Hello everyone. Do you often find yourself wondering why the "pros" do so well at the 10ks and PC's? Do you wish you can be like them? Well, wish no longer, because I am about to spill the top 10 secrets that the pros don't want you to know. This is a compiled list of strategies that some good players seem to use, and that seem to work:

1. Start inventing bogus theories about not eating before a tournament. Then, when the big day arrives, beat the living snot out of the idiots who actually followed the theory. It should be easy to beat a bunch of half starving people, shouldn't it?

2. Post your "secret tech" for the next PC on the internet. Then watch in amusement as people copy the decklist and put the deck in their gauntlet. Laugh as you bring something completely different than the deck you posted, and proceed to destroy the competition. Chair deck? Well, technically my Professor X is sitting in a chair, so I was telling the truth!

3. This is kind of a follow up to number 3. Give bogus advice to people on "Deck Garage" type forums. Wow, you should totally add that Trigon to your High Voltage deck. You know, just in case it gets to turn 9. That's a really good idea.

4. Make light of your opponent's ability to play the game. Tell him that you are a "pro", and that you are quite skilled at the game. Your opponent will begin to overthink his moves and make play mistakes. Further confound your opponent by being really technical about the rules. Now win the game, you arrogant pompous jerk.

5. Draw good. Outstandingly so.

6. Rush your opponent through his moves. Often times, he will make a mistake just because you keep saying "are you done" "are you done". A parrot would be a really good Vs. player.

7. Show no emotion. Emotion is weakness. (This rule can be bent if you are playing against another pro, just to look like you have a personality when the metagame report hits the internet.)

8. Turn the card game into a job, rather than the fun game that it is suppose to be. Play competitive decks that you spent many weeks testing. Do not bring pet decks to a big tournament. Kill as much fun as humanly possible. Sell your soul for the power you seek. Weep softly as you realize you've turned the game you loved into a monster. (Do not weep in public, read rule 7.)

9. Form a tightly knit group of "pro" players. Set it up so that a bunch of you are always in the top 8. That way, you will seem like you are pro players. If someone that you don't like tries to act "pro", act like they cheated and ban them from Vs. forever! You can do it, your just that powerful.

10. Make friends with the judges. It will serve you well.

These are some great tips for anyone who wishes to "go pro". Well, I've said to much, and right now there is a dark cabal of pros trying to have me killed. I hope that these secrets benefit someone in some way before I am dead.

I see the path I should take now. On a side note, it seems like EMO's would have an awful hard time fitting these requirments. Any advice for them>?

Bring a Razor. #1 is the best one out of them all lol

I like how point 3 leads to point 3.... my friend, you've just created an infini loop! Prepare to be baned!

i live my life by Rule #5...
i find, when i'm "in the zone", i can draw cards i never actually put in my deck... i'm that good.

isnt that cheating?;)

Only if you get caught.

Number 5...If I could just get numer 5 down I could be great!!

I saw an episode of Yu-Gi-Oh once where the hero did exactly that!

The bad guy was totally pounding on this guy (I guess he knew every card in the good guy's deck and had seriously teched against him). Then the good guy has some weird moment of clarity and then top-decks some card that he obviously wasn't playing at any point before then and won the match.

TV says it's ok to cheat, so it must be true. :)

that's just an abstract "word" that jealous pros attached to my enlightened way of being.

....totally.

I heard a profound quote the other day on like a car commercial that puts "pro" in the correct light:

"A amateur practices until they get it right.
A professional practices until they can't get it wrong."

I think that's the best definition of how most of the consistent money-winning players treat this game.

Lol. Rep point for that.

That is so good, and so true, that it made me break my vow of silence.

Best. Post. Ever.

If this does not make it onto the spotlight thread on the front page, the whole thing is rigged. Bogus. Fake.

Oh my God, the Pirate King has made life worth living again.

Now back to my silence,

Stu

(See a pic of the pirate who started it, here. He is the one who is not Johnny Depp: http://metagame.com/vs.aspx?tabid=46&ArticleId=6891)

*GASP*

STU IS ALIVE!

*points accusatory finger at the village populus*

And I had thought you'd all driven him off with your hate!

Don't you see, this kind hearted beast means us no harm ...

*background music wells up*

we shouldn't fear him. And yet we decided to DESTROY him...

*real dramatic now*

... out of our FEAR and HATE.

Whose the real 300ft Tall Robot Monster here?

Not ... him ...

Is your name Mike Long?