Err....The Llama Master waits for no man, nor dog.

Well, you just waited for me. Don't want CLP all over the keyboard.

Ok. Evil llama stories.

1) About 17 years ago, I participated in my church's live nativity at Christmas time. They had a few scenes set up, and we took shifts of 20 minutes standing very still and posing while people drove by and looked. I was one of the three wise men. A local llama farmer donated some llamas for us to simulate camels with. My scene was on a hillside. At one point, the llama stops eating the hay around my feet and starts staring at me. Eye level, just off to the left, barely in my vision, about a foot away from my face. Of course, I can't move. But it's really odd. In my best ventriloquist impersonation, I ask my buddy, who was another wise man standing behind me, what the thing is doing, because it seems a bit weird. "Dude," he says. "The thing is peeing on your feet." Llamas have very large bladders, like camels. The thing peed on my feet for like ten minutes, and stared in my face the whole time. That's evil.

2) Second night of live nativity, doing the same thing. Different Llama this time. It's eating hay at my feet. I'm looking somewhat upward in my pose. According my friend behind me, the llama, at some point, took an interest in the wise man costume I was wearing. There was this sash thing that wrapped around my neck a couple of times and hung down. At about belt level, in front of me. The llama decided he wanted to eat that instead of the hay. I don't see what it's doing, but my friend behind me does. "Dude!" is about all I hera before the llama, trying to get a good mouthful of the sash, bites me right on the...you know. I heard all sorts of laughter from the passing cars as I crumpled.

There. That's evil. And involved llamas.

So, I was looking for some laughs when I went here and typed in screen names.

NOBODY should type in my screen name and look at the 9th result. NEVER!

"Hi. I'm eternalrage. Welcome to the realms."

Greeter. Huh, huh.

Damn. Most assuredly evil, but great stories. I think I read one of these on one of their resumes. I've done well. Sadly, he didn't make it past the sheering phase of the pre-employment testing.

Hey! Way to not listen...er...read and comprehend.

I submit:

Guided Stool
Dude Got Oils
Did Oleos Tug
Dogie Do Slut
Idle Stud Goo
Oldie Do Guts
Diet Dog Soul
Dole God Suit
Lusted Id Goo

So you sent them preemptively to do evil things to me? 17 years in advance of me posting right before you on posts 9000 and 666?

#4 is spelled wrong, I think. What's a dogie?

#5 sounds good.

Actually, #2 is accurate, as I just washed the oil off my hands after cleaning the rifle and pistols.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with #9. You're just very particular in how you greet people.

Llama's aren't good when with directions when traveling through space/time. There was an epic battle for dominance between llamas and donkeys back then at a petting zoo. He was told to infiltrate the remaining donkey faction to take out the "Burro Brigade." He was disoriented and sleeping in alleys while eating out of dumpsters. His memory fading, he was picked up by animal control and taken to a local llama farm. From there he was rented out for parties and petting zoos. The facility was running low on cash when an ample opportunity to make a quick buck came to pass. Llama's were needed for a nativity scene. Jack ran to the front of the line and was sent to fulfill the contract.

Because of my lack of funds here in the future, I could only buy generic brand oats to feed my llama army. The taste of the sash trigger a memory buried deep in his subconscious. What was it? Oh, yes, "Take out the Burro Brigade." So he bit an ###.

I don't think they'd really like that on an application to Wal-Mart.

Great story. But obviously the wrong llama. The sash was hanging in front.

Oh, he didn't tell me that. He's a very stubborn llama.

That may have been the time when I sent him back to take out a herd of dik-diks. Or was it woodpeckers?

Do I need to go back and highlight the part of my story that mentions front? Speaking of not being able to read or comprehend...

Ah...the Blue Footed Bubi Invasion.

Was there an invasion? Only Jack knows.