Because Cthulhu fhtagn sucks.

You got her number?

I bet he would want the 6in one, size #####.

Cthulhu is nobody's patron.

Your patron is a mysterious entity whose nature is
utterly foreign to the fabric of reality. It might come from
the Far Realm, the space beyond reality, or it could be
one of the elder gods known only in legends. Its motives
are incomprehensible to mortals, and its knowledge so
immense and ancient that even the greatest libraries
pale in comparison to the vast secrets it holds. The
Great Old One might be unaware of your existence
or entirely indifferent to you, but the secrets you have
learned allow you to draw your magic from it.
Entities of this type include Ghallnadar, called That
Which Lllrks; Tharizdun, the Chained God; Dendar, the
Night Serpent; Zargon, the Returner; Great Cthulhu;
and other unfathomable beings.

Seems legit. It's not so much that Cthulhu has necessarily noticed you, insignificant mortal that you are; rather your knowledge of him through dreams and evil tomes is sufficient to grant you dark power.

I'll allow it!

I will second the motion.

Can it call for help?

Never.
Gets.
Old.

I love that I am the butt of your jokes...

Yes, urinal of them.

So my knee is not totalled. Anyone give a poop about this or is this John's car sympathy day only?

....this assumes any of us were sympathetic about the car.

Yeah, I'm not sure how suggesting his next car be a bumper car is sympathetic.

I'm glad your knee is not as bad as it could be. Your love-making has been lacking since you hurt it!

That's why God invented leather swings.