Granted! Instead of a long Orgo Lab (whatever the heck that is) Your professor is replaced by the interdimentional hopping Wizard ORKO from the He-Man seiries. He begins gleefully casting spells to "Assist" the students to get their work done faster. In the ensuing magical maestrom, Orko somehow splits the atom causing a very localized explosion. You are instantly vaporized. No more pain... EVER.

I wish my girlfriend could stop smoking.

Granted.

Your girlfriend's mouth disappears. She cannot, among other things, talk.

I wish I wish I was a fish.

Wow, you made that one easy. Let's see if I can mess with it.

Bamf! You're a fish. In front of your computer. With no water beyond the average amounts of water vapor in the air of your locality. You can't breathe. Quickly, you flop, jump, and wriggle to the nearest source of water! It's not a large source, nor is it the most hygienic thing to be swimming around in, but hey, it's water, right? So why is it yellow...?

You suddenly regret not flushing. The uric acid corrodes your gills. You die.

I wish the Post Office was open later here.

Granted.

It's open exactly on second later. And it charges you one hundred more dollars for every time you mail something.

I wish I had more bubblegum.

granted
you start chewing your gum, and wonder at the marvelous taste in your mouth...it's hot tomato soup!
and then...steak and potatoes! "wow!" you think to yourself, this is amazing!
finally, the flavour becomes that of warm blueberry pie...and you realize with a start that this has been done before...and spit out the gum as fast as you can.
but it's too late...your skin gains a bluish tinge, and your body starts swelling, your skin becomes a deeper blue, and your body keeps swelling til you're the proportionate size of a blueberry

i wish willy wonka really did make that gum...without the side effects

Granted. Willy Wonka makes that gum without THOSE particular side effects. Instead, the side effects include sonic diarrhea, spontaneous combustion, incoherence of speech and physical form, flatulence, baldness, hairiness, temporal narcosis, spontaneous tentaclosis, necrosis of brain tissue, psychosis, neurosis, depression, an erection lasting four or more hours, Burt Reynolds, lycanthropy, vampirism, zombosis, a nervous twitch whenever anyone says the words "parsley," "football," or "tuberculosis," nucleophilic replacement, development of gills, increased photosensitivity, death, pants allergy, rash, psoriasis, reproduction via budding, and a hatred for gerbils called "Kevin."

I wish this hat fit better.

Granted.

Now the hat fits so well, that it molds to your face and head, becoming part of you. There is no way to ever get it off, and it fights back if you try to have it surgically removed.

I wish i could finish my homework faster.

Granted. Of course, it is inaccurate, so you end up failing out of school. Feeling depressed, you go on a twenty year long drinking binge. Somehow, by the end of this bender, you have become the leader of the Basque nation. As soon as you are given an independent state, you choke on a waffle and die. Your corpse turns an interesting shade of puce, and is subjected to many humiliating experiments that lead to a new and improved version of Viagra.

I wish I had the More Jack Than God album.

granted
you receive the album right away...but it becomes cursed, and you are damned to listen to that one album continuously for the rest of your waking hours

i wish i had a $1,000,000

Granted.

You get $1,000,000. However, it's money from over a century ago and the actual monetary value of it is insignificant.

I wish my cell phone was broken.

Wish granted. Your cell phone is broken. So are you.

I wish I had a cheese steak. A good one. Maybe one from Geno's up in Philly. Always wanted to try one of theirs.

Wish granted. An alien bursts out of your chest, since the secret ingredient is an alien embryo. But it's damn delicious.

I wish the mafia threads were open.

Granted. You get lynched in all of them. And every mafia game you participate in, you die in the first round.

Oh wait. That already happens

Says JK the Human Bomb...

I wish I had some Pineapple Chicken Curry right about now, cooked in 14 oz. of Coconut milk, with peas, diced carrots, and maybe even chunks of potato.

Granted.

Unfortunately, the container it comes in is sealed shut and invulnerable to everything but Pineapple Chicken curry itself. But, due to the destruction of Pineapples and Coconuts in the great Pineapple-Coconut war, you cannot make anymore. So you spend the rest of eternity starring at the container and wishing that you could partake in its Pineapply Chickeny goodness.

I wish i had super powers.

Granted. You have a super corrosive belch.

I wish I didn't have a five page lab report to fill out.