Writer/director Stephen Sommers returned to THE MUMMY RETURNS (2001), which matched the tone, excitement, romance, comedy, and light scares of its predecessor.

In it, Meela Nais (Patricia Velasquez), the reincarnation of Anck-Su-Namun, resurrects Imhotep so that he might fight The Scorpion King (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) and claim his powers. To do this, he needs the Bracelet of Anubis, which is immovably attached to young Alex O’Connell (Freddie Boath). Alex gets kidnapped, and his family races off to save him before Imhotep’s plans come to fruition.

With Imhotep mostly in human form throughout the film, he’s more supervillain than monster this time. Boath is a fine child actor, meaning Alex comes across genuine; not stilted or obnoxious like some child actors can feel. Alex has Rick’s swagger with Evelyn’s knack for getting into trouble, making him a bit like Kevin in HOME ALONE. All of these factors combine to give THE MUMMY RETURNS a lighter-hearted feel than its predecessor without losing any of its charm.



#028 Alex O'Conell
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 4
Points: 20
Keywords: O’Connells & Carnahans, Scientist, Kid

5 10 16 1

5 9 16 1

5 9 16 1

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Bracelet of Anubis: At the beginning of your turn, if Alex O'Connell is closer to the opposite opponent's starting area than yours, gain 2 Mission Points.
Annoying the Bad Guys: Probability Control. Adjacent opposing characters modify their Attack by -2.

As mentioned earlier, THE MUMMY RETURNS’ cultural appropriation is off the charts. There are few, if any, Middle Eastern/North African (MENA) actors playing the plethora of Egyptian roles; actors play roles seemingly because they “felt ethnic enough”; and a few White characters learn that they are reincarnations of Egyptian figures or genetically members of Egyptian sects. It’s a goofy, pulpy choice that ages worse with each viewing.

Mostly, those reincarnations seem there to introduce the ideas of destiny and gender-coordinated fighting into the movie. Destiny in that, ok, I guess Rick is destined to fight mummies instead of just being a guy who wound up fighting them. Gender-coordinated in that the film gives Evelyn something to do in the form of a rivalry with Anck-Su-Namun. It’s a silly, sexist move to prevent (gasp) a woman fighting a man.



#029 Anck-Su-Namun
Real Name: Meela Nais
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 5
Points: 50
Keywords: Mummy, Monster, Mystical, Past

7 11 18 2

7 11 18 2

7 10 18 2

6 10 17 2

6 11 17 2

6 11 17 2

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Imhotep's Consort: When adjacent friendly characters use Steal Energy, they may instead heal by +2.

I got no beef with the Pygmy Mummies. I always thought they were a perfect blend of creepy and funny, like the Gremlins in GREMLINS or the compies in THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK.

I crack up every time I see the one who runs with a stick of dynamite like a kid with a firecracker.



#030 Pygmy Mummy
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 4
Points: 15
Keywords: Mummy, Monster, Warrior

7 10 17 1

7 10 17 1

6 10 16 1

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

I’ve also got no beef with the Anubis Warriors. They look badass as hell, like a generic enemy you’d fight in DIABLO III or something.

I will say, though, that the macguffins and stakes and consequences are out of control in THE MUMMY RETURNS. You need the Bracelet of Anubis so you can find the way to the temple of Ahm Shere, where you need to reawaken the Scorpion King, but in doing so, you unleash the infinite army of Anubis and open a rift to the underworld. The Scorpion King can only be slayed using the Spear of Osiris, whereupon you’ll get all the Scorpion King’s powers, if you want them, and/or doing so wipes a large, mystical portion of Egypt off the map.

That just seems like a lot to me.



#031 Anubis Warrior
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 3
Points: 30
Keywords: Mummy, Monster, Past

7 10 18 2

7 10 17 2

7 10 17 2

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Can Only Be Slain Through Decapitation: When Anubis Warrior would be KOed, roll 1d6. 5-6, instead turn Anubis Warrior to Click #1.
Numerous as the Sands of Egypt: When Anubis Warrior would be KOed, roll 1d6. 3-4, after Anubis Warrior is scored, turn Anubis Warrior to Click #1 and place them in your starting area.

The other big quirk of THE MUMMY RETURNS is the Scorpion King… and for a few reasons.

The first is that the role was likely created to get Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson his first theatrical role, but that role belonged to a Middle Eastern/North African (MENA) actor (Johnson is a Pacific Islander actor). This isn’t a problem unique to THE MUMMY RETURNS, as Hollywood has had actors in tan-face going back decades, as we saw with THE MUMMY (1932), and it’s an ongoing problem in films such as THE PRINCE OF PERSIA (2010) and DUNE (2020). This role created a precedent for Dwayne the Rock Johnson, as he would go on to play Black Adam, another MENA character.

The other, more apparent, issue is that CGI used to make Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s face for the Scorpion King just wasn’t there yet. It doesn’t look real, and it feels uncanny and fake as hell. It’s enough to rocket you right out of the movie, especially when CGI Dwayne the Rock Johnson makes The People’s Eyebrow because ha ha he’s a famous wrestler, get it?

It’s a separate bit of camp, but Imhotep does a goofy l’il rock slide when Rick impales the Scorpion King. It’s so comically over the top that I laugh every time I see it.



#032 The Scorpion King
Real Name: Mathayus of Akkad
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 0
Points: 75
Keywords: Monster, Mystical, Ruler, Warrior, Past

9 11 18 3

8 11 18 3

8 11 17 3

7 11 18 3

7 11 18 3

6 10 17 3

6 10 17 3

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Centuries of Combat... And a Big Tail: Combat Reflexes. // FREE: Make an attack against a single opposing character.
The People's Eyebrow: Charge & Flurry.

THE MUMMY RETURNS was less critically acclaimed than its predecessor but was still a box office success. It would spin off THE SCORPION KING (2002), which would have several direct to video sequels. It would also give Universal A TON of confidence in Sommers to relaunch their monsters for a new era.

That would not go smoothly.

Gosh, I remember the CGI Dwayne Face. And yeah, I definitely remember it yoinking me right out of the movie, even though I was still a high school kid at the time (or just graduated, I don't remember the release month). And yeah, it just... it made a very solid argument as to why the technology wasn't ready for something like this yet.

It's such an odd choice when you think about it. Like, Imhotep's half-rotted face worked pretty damn well in the first MUMMY. Seems like it would've made just as much sense to shoot the Dwayne the Rock Johnson from the torso-up or put him in an animatronic rig with CGI overlays. I have to guess that they didn't do that just because the Scorpion King wouldn't have been mobile enough for Sommers.

...or it wouldn't surprise me if Universal producers had talked Sommers into going full-CGI with the Scorpion King in the place of any of that. As they proved with THE WOLFMAN (2010) and THE THING (2011), Universal is depressingly quick to cover up excellent animatronic work with iffy CGI.

Here’s a depressingly minority opinion: VAN HELSING is f***ing fantastic.

I always get weird looks when I tell folks that, no lie, VAN HELSING (2003) is one of my all-time favorite movies up there with ALIEN & ALIENS. It’s fun, exciting, funny, spooky, immaculately designed, insanely crafty, and easily the best adaptation of Castlevania put to screen. I'm. Very. Serious.

Hugh Jackman stars as Van Helsing, an anti-monster warrior working for the Catholic Church in 1887. He is dispatched with Carl (David Wenham), a gadgeteer friar, to fight Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), and along the way, he’ll also fight the Wolfman (Will Kemp), Frankenstein’s Monster (Shuler Hensley) and more.

VAN HELSING cranks THE MUMMY’s swashbuckling fun up to 11 to deliver what is among the most exciting steampunk movies ever made that, admittedly sometimes to its detriment, often feels like a roller coaster ride. It’s one of the purest expressions of the Universal monster universe with more ideas than necessarily all fit smoothly into its 2h11m runtime.

For example, the movie slowly reveals that Gabriel Van Helsing is some kind of immortal, likely a fallen angel, and almost certainly once a knight who fought the still-human Dracula centuries ago. It’s a weird inclusion that echoes THE MUMMY RETURNS’ “everybody is a reincarnated Egyptian now” backstory that artificially created a rivalry for certain characters. You know what’s great for establishing a rivalry? Showing how it forms and playing it out. Destiny is a cheaper narrative device, IMHO.



#033 Van Helsing
Real Name: Gabriel
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 6
Points: 80
Keywords: Holy Order, Werewolf Pack, Warrior, Past, Mystical, Monster

9 11 18 3

8 11 18 3

8 11 18 3

7 11 18 3

7 11 18 3

6 11 18 3

7 11 18 3

6 11 18 3

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

9 12 18 3

KO KO KO KO

Full Moon: At the beginning of your turn, roll a d6 once for all friendly characters with the Full Moon trait. On a result of 4-6, click Van Helsing to click #11 and click him to click #3 at the end of the turn or before he takes any damage, whichever comes first.
Gas-Powered Grappling Hook: Leap/Climb.
Rapid-Fire Crossbow: Sidestep. Flurry, but only with ranged attacks.
Sunlight Grenade: Pulse Wave, deals +1 damage to characters with the Vampire Brood, Zombie Horde, Werewolf Pack, Ghost Realm, Monster, or Mystical keywords.
A Werewolf's Fury: Battle Fury, Exploit Weakness, and Flurry.

I too really enjoyed Van Helsing, and don’t really understand why it’s so poorly received. Is it high art? No. Is it particularly horrific? Also no.

But is it aiming to be either of those things? Hell no! It just wants to be a fun time in which Hugh Jackman fights monsters. Whenever I come up against movies that most people dislike for whatever reason, I try to suss out what the goal of the film was, because it feels very often that people dislike movies because they aren’t what they think the movies should be rather than what the movie itself is trying to be and whether or not it succeeds at that attempt.

For me, Van Helsing succeeded at its aims. It was kinda a lowbrow monster action movie, theatrical fun and little else, and that’s fine! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!

EDIT: Agh! Forgot to mention the dial!

I love how variable-approach this is. At any point he’s got good ranged and close options for dealing with whatever comes his way. I particularly like those middle clicks when he’s got penetrating and CCE at the same time. It’s perfect for “I’m a shoot you in the face, and if you get too close, I’m a punch you in the face.”

My thoughts exactly, friend! Most of my close friends are film people, and it’s a running gag among them that I love VAN HELSING. Here’s the funny thing— whenever I challenge people why they don’t like VAN HELSING or what marks there are against it, I rarely get a solid answer. The next few posts will attempt to unpack what folks have against the film (including your suggestion!), while also giving it ample praise.

Many thanks for the dial praise! I had a fun time with this one and tried to make every two clicks representative of a moment in the movie. First, the fight against Mr. Hyde, then the fight against Dracula’s Brides, then infiltrating Dracula’s masquerade, then the fight in Dracula’s castle as Van Helsing is wolfing out. Really pleased by how this one turned out and that I got a chance to dial Van Helsing for real instead of just paying tribute to him.

Many dislike VAN HELSING, and I think some of the reason is dissonance with what it is vs. the expectations of the Universal monsters brand.

Many expected an update of the Universal Monsters to be more subtle and horror-leaning. The film’s two prologues don’t deliver that. The black and white sequence with Dr. Frankenstein unwittingly creating the Monster for Dracula is stagy, campy, and over the top. Van Helsing’s fight with Mr. Hyde (Robbie Coltrane) is also campy and over the top— exciting, funny, but not at all scary. VAN HELSING promises the viewer Transylvanian-flavored action thrills, and some viewers just didn’t want that from an update of the Universal Monsters.

I go back and forth on this line of criticism. One one hand, if a movie is straight up telling you what it’s going to be (the opening minutes of a film are usually just that), I usually feel that you have to judge it on those terms. If it isn’t a good version of what it’s promising, then I don’t usually think it’s a good movie. I think VAN HELSING is exactly the movie it wants to be and promises to be.

On the other hand, there’s argument to be made that some approaches are ill-conceived for their goals. The Adam Driver-starring 65 (2023) wants to be The Last of Us but with dinosaurs. You hear a pitch like that, and you have expectations about scale and wonder, because we associate dinosaurs with those things. Instead, 65 presents dinosaurs as little more than monsters for whom the two human characters have no wonder in beholding. The dinosaurs could’ve literally been swapped for any monster, and the movie’s plot wouldn’t have changed a lick. So the movie’s conceit and execution are at odds with each other. Thus, it’s not a great movie.

Are VAN HELSING’s conceit and execution at odds with each other? It’s hard to call. If you’re like me and loved both of Sommers’ Mummy movies and grew up playing Castlevania video games, VAN HELSING seems quite familiar. If you were expecting an action/horror movie like BLADE (1998), RESIDENT EVIL (2002), or UNDERWORLD (2003) -which are not unreasonable- you may be disappointed.



#034 Mr. Edward Hyde
Real Name: Dr. Henry Jekyll
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 0
Points: 50
Keywords: Monster, Brute, Past

9 11 18 4

9 11 17 4

8 11 17 3

8 11 18 3

7 11 18 3

7 10 17 3

6 10 18 4

6 10 17 4

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Losing An Arm: Each Time Hyde takes damage, put a Cut Token on this card. When he has 3 tokens, he cannot use Flurry or for the rest of the game
Bounding Brutal Bastard: Charge, Leap/Climb, Flurry.

And I like that about this movie. I understood that from the beginning, that this movie was telling its audience exactly what it was, in kinda rare form, ya know? Like this movie was incredibly up front about its identity, leaving practically no room for confusion. So if, after those first few minutes of the movie you still expected something the movie wasn’t planning on delivering, that’s on you.

Expecting Van Helsing in particular to be anything but what it is is like ringing up Pizza Hut and getting angry when they won’t make you a cheeseburger. Is it Pizza Hut’s fault that they don’t make burgers, or is it yours for expecting a burger from the pizza joint?

I love the dismemberment mechanic here. What a fun way to recreate the fight! I demand the sculpt have a removable arm!

But I can still call Pizza Hut and be pissed it's a Wing Street too, damn it!

I miss the old Pizza Hut.

But yeah, I'm generally prone to agree. I think it's certainly fine to long for a certain kind of film rather than the one that's in front of you, but unless it's literally failing at its own premise --like THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR and THE MUMMY (2017) do-- I don't think it's a valid argument.

Many thanks for the dial praise, though! Haha I do like the idea of a dismember-able dial. Crazy thing is, these days they make tiny magnets for miniatures where that could be possible...

Stephen Sommers figured if THE MUMMY was Indiana Jones-inspired, VAN HELSING would be James Bond-inspired. There’d be an emphasis on globe-trotting, big action setpieces, and gadgetry— that’s why Carl (David Wenham) is essentially Van Helsing’s Q.

Another criticism VAN HELSING receives is that it’s too jam-packed with stuff for any of it to be deep and meaningful, and I think that’s the more legitimate note. Van Helsing contains Van Helsing, Carl, Anna, Dracula, his brides, Igor, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and a gravedigger all as significant characters, but because there’s such a heavy emphasis on action setpieces, few of them get long dramatic scenes for character development.

This leads to what can feel like caricature character details. For example, the Frankenstein Monster yells, “I’m not the monster, you are” completely out of nowhere. Like, yeah, that’s FRANKENSTEIN’s (1931) theme writ large, but he says this when we first meet him. Most would assume we’d watch him come to that conclusion, rather than it being his starting point (but the Frankenstein Monster does arc, learning that not all humans are hateful and distrustful, so there’s still substance here).

But even I feel like VAN HELSING has little chill. You could cut a couple of setpieces to give the movie more breathing room for the drama. The carriage chase, the vampire masquerade, the gravedigger’s threat, the werewolf in the mansion, Igor chasing Frankenstein, etc… they’re all good, but at some point, do they just become noise?

Not for me, mind you, I’m asking for the detractors. I love this f***ing movie.



#035 Carl
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 0
Points: 15
Keywords: Holy Order, Scientist, Past

6 9 14 1

6 9 14 1

6 9 14 1

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

I've Got Just the Thing!: POWER: give a friendly character within 4 squares a Standard Power to use until the beginning of your next turn.

Call me a gothic horror fanboy if you will -I’m an easy mark for this stuff- but to me, VAN HELSING is an excellent movie that is everything it sets out to be.

You know what’s amazing? That black and white opening. In one fluid, broadly staged-and-performed set piece, we see angry villagers assail Castle Frankenstein just as Doctor Frankenstein (Samuel West) brings his Monster (Shuler Hensley) to life. “IT’S ALIVE!” he screams in a campy pastiche of the 1931 film. He refuses to give his creature to Dracula (Richard Roxburg), who kills him… shortly before the Monster burns him alive. …Shortly before the Monster seemingly burns to death in a collapsing windmill, just as the Monster seemingly perished in the 1931 film.

It’s so fun, so perfect, so unabashedly campy and confident that I start smiling from the moment the Universal logo fades to a black and white torch to the instant the credits roll.



#036 Anna Valerious
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 6
Points: 45
Keywords: Villager, Warrior, Past

7 11 18 2

7 10 18 2

7 10 17 2

6 11 18 2

6 11 17 2

6 10 17 2

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Dracula's Intended: Shape Change. // When Anna Valerious would take damage from an opposing character with the Vampire Brood, Zombie Horde, Werewolf Pack, Ghost Realm, Monster, or Mystical keywords, ignore 1 damage AND remove 1 mission point from an opposing force.
Blood of the Valerious: If Anna Valerious is not KOed at the end of the game, score her Victory Points. // If Anna Valerious is KOed, the opposing force scores either an extra 25 points --OR-- 5 Mission Points.
Silver Bullets: Psychic/Penetrating Blast. If the target has the Vampire Brood, Zombie Horde, Werewolf Pack, Ghost Realm, Monster, or Mystical keywords, damage from this attack cannot be reduced.