One sunny day, while insouciantly cutting his Environmental Science class, Veloxiraptor had an idea: he would use his newfound free time to do something constructive for his MKRealms clan! He would undertake to review, if not all, several of the relics from Dark Riders!

But in his youth and innocence, Velox didn't think to obtain the sanction or guidance of his DHC superiors before embarking on his long journey. His final review, which made absolutely no sense, was locked in the DHC water tower, never to be released! His DHC brethren disavowed any knowledge of the review's existence, to this very day...

...when the review escaped!

And it goes a little something like this:

R-041 GORGON'S BLADE
Wow. When something is this awful, it's kind of exciting. Like the Screecher, the Gorgon's Blade DARES players to use it. "OH HO HO! For only one point less than the Galeshi Sunsword, I, the Gorgon's Blade, decrease thy damage and grant thee one of the most worthless special abilities ever, along with a second, even more worthless ability that only occurs maybe once every time Halley's Comet graces the earth! WHAT SAY THEE?" Gorgon's Blade, I say thee NAY!
Rating: 1/2

R-042 DRAGONFLY
This relic looks pretty wacky, but your enemies had better hope they can stop laughing long enough to avoid getting WHACKED. For the price of the Decapitator (the benchmark against which all 31-point Sword-type relics must be measured), you get a hefty speed boost and a ranged attack that can probably do more damage than that of most ACTUAL ranged figures. Granted, it's not a very long range, but this relic, appropriately enough, is best given to flying figures, particularly if they are dragon-like. Or maybe I'm reading the instructions wrong.
Rating: ***

R-043 VERMILLION CROWN
Gasp! The fabled relic of the Necropolis Sect! I like that it grants a whole dial of Command and Leadership. And the mind-control ability has the potential to be a riot. However, its massive price tag and lack of game-breakingness means that it should be relegated to especially large games, which really aren't present on the tournament scene. I also don't like the fact that Deathspeaker Aeradon can't wear the Crown. Quite frankly, Donnie, that fedora you've got on isn't all that flattering.
Rating: **

R-044 BOOK OF NIGHTMARES
Definitely not a page-turner. The most damage you'll ever get out of this relic is five, and that's only if you're shooting at friggin' Vextha. (Or Chroma...but good luck hitting her with it, buddy.) In most cases, you'll be lucky to squeeze three clicks from this rag. In the end, I'd rather just have Mage Blast. Terrify is good for a caster, though, so it's not a total waste.
Rating: **

R-045 ELVEN DUELING BLADE
The most annoying thing about this relic is finding a good user. Obviously, you'll want to give it to someone who has a decent Attack bonus...say, at least +2. A rider would be the natural choice, but I personally believe that riders have so many other better (and more to the point, cheaper) relic options. That leaves us with...Varatrix, Drone Golem, and Vextha. Two of those don't need any help from this thing, and I couldn't see a dueling Drone Golem last long after its amusement factor wears off. I'm a firm believer in poetic justice, however, so I fully expect someone to ream me with a dueling Drone Golem very soon now.
Rating: ***

R-046 MONK BLADE
If you've ever wondered how Caldera fights when she's stone cold hammered (and haven't we all?), now's your chance! The Monk Blade grants your figure all of the powers of the Drunken Master from Dungeons and Dragons! Arrow-catching? Got it. Crazy evasiveness? It's there, in the form of a +2 defense modifier. And hey, there's a little bit of an accuracy bonus in there too. So drink up, drink up is what you gotta do!
Rating: ****

R-047 THREADCUTTER
It's very cheap, but it's also very situational. The usefulness of this relic depends mostly on the play environment at your venue. Do people there bow down to the Zombie Centaur swarm? Are people there actually using Spirit Armor for tactics other than suicide? Bring the Threadcutter along and, uh, cut their threads. Otherwise, don't even take this relic out of its plastic wrap. It may give you a huge boost in accuracy, but 2 damage just plain stinks.
Rating: **

R-048 CROWN OF KHAMSIN
I'm a closet BPR fanboy, primarily because of Black Thorn. Though my Black Thorn figure may be suffering from a severe case of walleye, she was my first 2.0 unique and she carries a lot of sentimental value. That having been said, I think this relic is just dandy. The Crown's drawback really isn't so bad...honestly, how many people out there actually use BPR pieces? They weren't exactly tearin' it up in the Faction War, that's for sure.
Rating: ***

R-049 TOME OF SHADOW
This relic isn't broken...maybe just a little bit cracked. Some stat bonuses, a full dial of Ghostform, and an absolutely nutty teleportation ability...the potential for abuse is there, I can feel it. I just can't think of who I'd want to carry it. Considering that my only wand-type unique is Deathspeaker Aeradon, my personal options are a wee bit limited. The potential for corny jokes is there, too. I can just imagine Aeradon teleporting behind some unsuspecting opponent and shouting "HEEEEERE'S DONNIE!"
Rating: ****

R-050 SOLONAVI SOULBINDER
Given the Solonavi's propensity towards OBSCENE accuracy in close combat, this relic is a good fit for a Solonavi. Such a good fit, in fact, that it makes Varatrix's price exactly 200 points. Isn't that special? Now, on one hand, the wielder of the brainwashing Soulbinder can be VERY persuasive, especially since the Soulbinder's ability isn't limited to just one target. On the other hand, if you want this relic to work reliably, you'll be paying for a VERY expensive figure. The jury's somewhat out on this one, but we'll give it three and a half stars in the meantime.
Rating: ***1/2

R-051 HEARTSINGER
Here we see the lovechild of Terrify and Dodge! Here we also see another 31-point Sword relic! Unfortunately, I don't think this 'Singer has the chops to upstage the Decapitator. The potential to make your opponent miss a beat is pretty sharp, but as I said before, I value reliability, and in that measure, the Heartsinger falls flat. It'd be nice to combine this with Dodge, but the vast majority of Dodging uniques...don't get the ability until they're about ready to call it quits.
Rating: **

R-052 GATEKEEPER
This relic rules! Hop on top of an objective token, and all of a sudden your unique figure turns into Daffy Duck. "It's mine, you understand? Mine, ALL MINE!" Slap this puppy on Black Thorn, and she'll chew enemies up like a woodchipper. If this relic didn't cost so #### much, it'd be my favorite in the set.
Rating: ***

R-053 HELM OF ALLIANCE
Given how overcosted Command usually is, getting a full dial of Command in addition to a really cool ability for 31 points sure seems like a bargain to me. And that really cool ability is like every fanfiction writer's wet dream. Suddenly, the Atlantean Empire and those Black Powder guys can set aside their differences and work together toward a better future, without need of things like Red Magestone. Suddenly, the Solonavi and Draconum can look each other in the eyes and say, "Hey, you fight real good."
Rating: ***1/2

R-054 TEZLA'S MANUAL
Eh, it's got potential. The 2.0 Golems thus far haven't exactly lit my fire, but there's Sorcery on the way, so I have high hopes that the Golems, like the South, are gonna RISE AGAIN. In the meantime, please note that this relic grants a freaking +2 to damage. That's bonkers!
Rating: **1/2

R-055 BLADE OF SHADOWS
This relic is very straightforward and decidedly uninspiring. I can't even make any pithy comments about it. I reckon if you put it on a melee-heavy wielder with Counterattack or Sweep, like, oh, Black Thorn, it'd be pretty ornery. And that Volkare dude can swing it around pretty well too, I guess.
Rating: ***1/2

R-056 CURSED BETRAYER
There are two things that really blow about this relic. The first is that it screws you over long before it screws your enemy over. The second is that it can only screw your enemy over if he's carrying a relic. You can't just give it to him and say, "Here." You can't even say, "Well, I can't GIVE such a priceless relic away, but I'd be happy to trade it for that sparkly Sunsword you've got there." No siree. The Betrayer smashes your opponent's relic and takes its place, leaving your own unique empty-handed. In addition, the Betrayer is awfully clingy, and your actual chances of getting rid of it aren't very good. Good for fluff, very bad for gameplay.
Rating: 1/2

R-057 GIANT'S WRATH
Clearly this represents the Wrath of one very discreet Giant, as it only causes damage to opposing figures. I'm certainly not complaining. The explosive damage coupled with the massive stat bonuses (+3 to attack!) makes Giant's Wrath the Cat's Pajamas.
Rating: ****

R-058 MASK OF MYSTERIES
I've got a mystery for you: how did this relic make it past playtesters? Oh sure, only Elemental figures can carry it, but their uniques thus far have been pretty darn solid! For the cost of one action, your figures can travel distances well beyond their speed values. If Wylden Forest is in play, they can go anywhere their little plastic hearts desire. This is the kind of relic you can build an army around, and I'd go so far as to say it's the kind of relic you can eventually get WizKids to slap errata on.
Rating: ****1/2

R-059 BOOK OF SOULS
No sir, I don't like it. Yeah, it grants Revenant to any faction, but that's really nothing to shout about. Is anyone so proud that they'd outright refuse to include a Deathsinger or Pain Wraith in their army to fulfill their Revenant needs? ...Okay, stop raising your hands. And get out of my dorm.
Rating: **

R-060 GUTRIPPER
It's covered in Nickelodeon Green Slime™, and it'll really muck things up for your opponent. This relic sends you straight into Bizarro World. In Bizarro World, you are REWARDED for rolling a 1! Immobilize and Weapon Master live in harmony! And Screechers are - no, wait, they still suck. If this relic didn't rely on Weapon Master rolls to be effective, I'd give it four stars easily...as it stands, I give it three. It gets eighty-three stars for STYLE, though.
Rating: ***

R-061 GRIFFON'S LANCE
Ah, the first of the rider-only relics! This one is cheap and grants Crushing Blow. And in some cases it will make dismounting enemy riders easier for you...not that it wasn't shamefully easy to begin with. As I consider myself a sporting fellow, if I were to use the Griffon's Lance, I'd make absolutely sure that its wielder was riding a Griffon. A less scrupulous player might show an opponent the Griffon's Lance card, then slap a Sky Dragon on the table. "Ah ha ha! You got PUNK'D!"
Rating: ***

R-062 MINOTAUR HOOK
This relic is devilishly clever in all its intricacies. If one of your figures is in base contact with an enemy, you can toss this meathook of happiness at the invader to turn him friendly and let your ally escape without a breakaway. But that's not all! If it's the last turn, you can toss the Hook at an enemy objective-holder, and all of a sudden he's on hold for YOU! Now both of those uses are cool and innovative, but here's my personal favorite use: if Kyma is trying to kill herself to set off a Karrudan's Bow, you can make like the Suicide Hotline, toss the Hook at her, and then HEAL her tortured soul! Oh Minotaur Hook, why can't the rest of the world benefit from the peace you bring?
Rating: ***

R-063 KHAMITA'S SHIELD
Someone at WizKids must really hate Khan Rava, to produce a relic for the express purpose of driving him crazy. Let's be realistic, here...Khan Rava and Scorch are really the only ranged Orc figures who pose a threat to anyone, and they're already boned by Storm Gale. Still, I'll give this relic one and a half stars, because when you give the Shield to Blackwyn, he gets double Dodge - or as I like to call it, "bullet-time."
Rating: *1/2

R-064 RAGE HAMMER
I notice that the word "degenerate" contains all the letters in the word "rage." And this relic is certainly degenerate! When a rider gets infected with this Rage, they become an impaling force of destruction more powerful than three, even four Black Thorns! There's nary a force alive that can take a beating like that! Except maybe Black Thorn.
Rating: ****1/2

R-065 DRAGONPLATE
This is pretty cool. It's the only relic to grant Healing, but it also has the courtesy to boost your new healer's attack by 2 and speed by 1. However, the Dragonplate loses points because it takes up two requirements, one of which is the Shield. And also, whatever you do, don't go showing your new threads to the Horned Hunter. He gets reeeal jealous.
Rating: ***

R-066 FROSTLANCE
Who knew that if you crossbred Magic Freeze with Immobilize, you'd get an ability that's GOOD? Unlike Magic Freeze, the Frostlance doesn't fail half the time. Unlike Immobilize, the Frostlance still deals damage to the target. Unlike both of them, the Frostlance can add more than one action token to a figure. And hey, there's a +2 attack bonus just for the hell of it! Sign me up!
Rating: ***1/2

R-067 SMOKE
If I'm going to take up a precious relic slot with a relic that only works once, it had better wipe out half my opponent's army or something. Smoke just makes a few people wheezy for a turn. Lame. At the very least, it can cause pushing damage, and it gives you nice little stat bonuses before you hurl it into oblivion. Still, I'd have to be smoking something pretty potent to use Smoke.
Rating: *1/2

R-068 INFERNO
This relic, for only a few points more than a Cloak of Vipers, grants an ability that is arguably BETTER than Venom. And it gives two stat bonuses. And it makes your figure immune to all non-Wand ranged attacks. Well, hell. There's no reason NOT to use this thing. If I have a complaint about this hunka hunka burnin' love, it's that dumb Shield requirement. Wouldn't it make a lot more sense for a Magic Immune figure to be able to carry a magic shield that is friggin' ON FIRE?! Inferno, you need to take some lessons from the Fireshield.
Rating: ****

R-069 STORM MAUL
From what I've read thus far, a lot of people seem to think that the Storm Maul is too expensive for use in the 300 point format. Well, those people are LYING to you. Those people are the ones who will whip out the Storm Maul at the next tournament and completely MAUL you with it. I personally wouldn't touch this relic with a ten-foot Polearm, but I'm finicky like that.
Rating: ***1/2

R-070 MOUNTAIN'S HEART
Now that's a bonzer idea! I really think it's nice of WizKids to make a way to say "what then, #####?!" to all of those billions of Crushing Blow and Pierce figures they've foisted upon us over the past two sets. And it's nicer still that it doesn't have the Shield requirement! Way to go, WK!
Rating: ***1/2

R-071 LONGHAFT
Is this supposed to be WizKids' way of telling us that updated Conquest rules are on the horizon? The Longhaft is another one of those annoyingly situational relics that make me want to throw furniture. This is the kind of thing that should be hiding inside of InQuest magazines, not clogging up my eight-dollar boosters.
Rating: *1/2

R-072 FORGEBREAKER
Stoneshatter is already a fine enough relic for smashing Golems. And I am of the belief that there really doesn't need to be more than one relic made exclusively to smash Golems. So prove me wrong, WizKids. Prove me wrong.
Rating: *1/2

R-073 FANG SHIELD
Have you noticed that Battle Fury and Berserk aren't around any more? I hadn't noticed, until I got a good look at this hideously fiendish relic. In just two rounds, the Fang Shield can potentially turn even the most well-defended figure into a stain on the battlefield. It only works half of the time, but man! That's the kind of unreliable power you can RELY on!
Rating: ***1/2

R-074 RELICBREAKER
Unlike the Cursed Betrayer, the Relicbreaker is an anti-relic relic that can get the job done quickly. Interestingly, this relic's ability only works if you miss. At the same time, you get a +2 attack bonus. Is that not just a little bit...counterproductive? Or counterdestructive, as the case may be?
Rating: ***

R-075 MAGESTONE ARMOR
This relic really brings out the munchkin in me. For 72 points, you get a choice of three powers, none of which aren't worth it. You also get a CRAZY speed boost. And the obligatory attack bonus. Even the much-maligned Tezlaraptor is lookin' pretty twink-ish when he dons this iridescent fashion statement.
Rating: ****

R-076 LANCE OF LIGHT
What was that I said about situational relics? Well, even in the correct situation, this relic is still a clunker. I'm not sufficiently vexed by the Dark Crusaders that I'd pay 18 points and waste a relic slot (on a rider, no less) for a chance to watch them squirm.
Rating: 1/2

R-077 THUNDER JAVELIN
I like this relic, because it can really turn your figure's life around. Even the biggest melee brick will look like the Amazon Draconum when he gets his hands on this piece of greased lightning. Also, if I'm reading this relic right, you can do an area-of-effect strike against one target and dismount another, using only one action. Two great tastes that taste great together!
Rating: ***1/2

R-078 SHIELD OF THE ELVEN GODS
See, if you really need Dark Crusader hate, this is the way to go. None of that 1d6 ####; this Shield simply highlights all nearby undead abominations and hits the Delete button. As an added bonus, the Shield will even take care of some of those pesky retired Mage Spawn. It's a very gimmicky relic, and for some reason it fills me with ambition. Some part of me really wants to force some poor sap to build a Conquest army of undead, just so I can nuke the lot of them and laugh like Dr. Wily. Yeah, I've never actually heard his laugh either, but I bet it's pretty wily.
Rating: **1/2

R-079 BLACK SLEDGE
ANOTHER Golem-buster? There's something strange in the neighborhood. I'd argue that this is better than Stoneshatter at what it does, because Stoneshatter, while ranged, is completely worthless against anything not of the Golem persuasion. Still, I have yet to see the Golem that has inspired such vindictiveness. Well, Sniper makes me pretty mad, but it's only because he's such a pile.
Rating: **

R-080 SPIRIT ARMOR
For the low, low price of 78 to 81 points, Zeph Wyndfenner or Lady Gliasti can put on the Armor and sacrifice themselves to erase the one enemy figure that you just don't feel like dealing with, which could be anything from a Sky Dragon to a Great Fire Dragon. And this is before we even take into account all the obscene bonuses this relic gives its user BEFORE death.
Rating: ****1/2

R-081 PHOENIX LANCE
All anyone wants is a second chance, and all anyone needs is the Phoenix Lance. On the down side, Black Thorn and Caldera can't touch it. On the plus side, neither can Varatrix. This relic is best carried by an Avatar, but virtually any rider would be happy to schlep it around. If you thought Nepherea Pike was tough, wait until you get a load of Nepherea Pike II: The Revenge! "In summer 2004, the PIKE will reach its PEAK!"
Rating: ***1/2

R-082 OBSIDIAN LANCE
As situational relics go, this one is pretty slick. Seeing as how the cavalry - not "calvary" - mechanic still has that new-mechanic smell, everyone's going to be experimenting with it. And right from the get-go, you'll be able to pour on the cavalry hate. Personally, I will try to reserve my hatred for those who can't spell "cavalry."
Rating: ***

R-083 SHADOW LANCE
It's much like having a soaring mount, but without the risk of becoming a battlefield pizza every time you get dismounted. Still, I feel it costs too much for what it brings to the table. At least two terrestrial mounts (Horse and Stag) are fast enough that terrain isn't going to bog them down a great deal. I also notice that the Lance forces you to stop in clear terrain...so what if someone plays Fen Swamp or Wylden Forest? Well sir, you either ditch the Lance, or you sit there and cry.
Rating: **1/2

R-084 MAGESTONE LANCE
The first time I saw this relic, I thought "So this relic is only good for riders who have Stormfire? Man, talk about a defined target audience!" Then I saw all those little blue circles and squares at the bottom, and the realization hit me in the face like a volleyball from ninth-grade Gym class: this relic is wicked cool. It grants not just a beefed-up Stormfire, but Mage Blast and Spell Resistance as well. Puny Rhiamon will look like a prom queen when she straps this on. It's unfortunate that it doesn't grant her any stat bonuses, but you just can't have it all, can you? CAN YOU?!
Rating: ***1/2

R-085 EAGLE'S TALON
Wait, I thought Command was costed reasonably now? Look as I point at the Helm of Alliance! It must be the potential for Leadership that's sending the price of the Talon through the roof, because there's absolutely nothing else to justify the cost of this barker. If this relic only reaches its full potential when worn by an Orc, then why not make it an Orc-only relic? And why do the Orcs even need a Command/Leadership figure when they have the rockin' Thunder Drummer? This is a niche relic with absolutely no niche.
Rating: 1/2

R-086 AGONY
I've already expressed my consternation with Agony elsewhere, but not nearly as eloquently as I will here. Not only is this a one-shot relic, it actually REDUCES your chances of success by lowering its wielder's attack a bit. Maybe the lowered attack is your incentive to throw this thing away as quickly as possible. Even when Agony works, though, it's nothing I'd consider awesome. Often times, you're more worried about a figure's proficiencies than its special abilities. Agony can really knock Chroma down a peg...but again, good luck hitting her with it, you sod.
Rating: 1/2

R-087 ?????

R-088 TEMANOR'S WRATH
This is Agony on Prozac, followed by several weeks of Accutaine. When it comes to "one-shot abilities that are worthy of being one-shot abilities," Temanor's Wrath fits the bill. Sure, it causes a massive loss of accuracy and you'll have to spend hundreds of points just to find a wielder who can carry this thing and still hit the sidewalk with a can of paint...but the thought is there.
Rating: *

R-089 RABAHN'S SHIELD
I generally have a strong dislike for relics that decrease one's accuracy (see Temanor's Wrath), but this one is pretty sweet. If you want an insane objective-holder and you don't want to shell out the points for Gatekeeper, then Rabahn is your "mahn." And hey, it works even when you're not holding an objective! I'd give this to a Dodge figure for maximum annoyance, or to Hivemaster for maximum amusement. Try squashing THAT bug!
Rating: ***

R-090 LIGHTNING SHIELD
This is the relic that turns ordinary bows into autocannons. Turn after turn, as long as your accuracy's good enough, you can keep on spittin' lead for 2 damage. This would be just fine for Valkyrie Tazia, who has obscene range and can't shoot for more than 2 damage anyway. But you know...she's so much better with Karrudan's Bow. As are...pretty much any figures with obscene range, actually. So maybe this relic really isn't that fine after all. I'm so very confused.
Rating: **1/2

R-091 SCREAMING SHIELD
Oh look, it's another nail in the coffin of ranged attacks! As if Stormwall didn't do the job well enough. The Screamer is good as a relic, and lends itself to some strategies using 14" ranged figures, but I wouldn't say it's too good for the game.
Rating: ***

R-092 ?????

R-093 ?????

R-094 ?????

R-095 ?????

R-096 PAIN
Whereas Agony usually just ends up causing its owner agony, Pain actually is a real pain in the bum for your opponent. Granting its user a 360-degree arc, Sweep, and a Weapon Master-type ability that is strictly better than Weapon Master, Pain can get you some serious gain. I'd gladly pony up the 50 points for it, if I didn't know that its wielder would be a magnet for Spirit Armor suicide bombers. Here's hoping that'll pass.
Rating: ****

R-097 RANGER'S PLATE
There's a card in the Lord of the Rings TCG called Ranger's Versatility, and it was so amazingly good that the higher-ups errata'd it to turn it into garbage. If versatility is part of every Ranger's job description, then the Ranger's Plate must be standard-issue gear. At 26 points, this relic is a steal! Use Ghostform, then after something bases you, switch over to Parry. If you need healing but don't want to be shot at, run yourself into the woods and hit the Stealth button. It's a cornucopia of options!
Rating: ****

R-098 ?????

R-099 ?????

R-100 ?????

R-101 RUBY LANCE
When I first read the Ruby Lance's main ability, I had serious trouble wrapping my brain around it. I needed charts, diagrams, and a brief display of sock puppetry to explain to me exactly what the Lance does, and I was disappointed to find out that it really isn't very useful. And Weapon Master on a rider is most definitely NOT COOL. I'm sure glad I'm not an Atlantis fan...
Rating: *1/2

R-102 SPELLBREAKER
...But I am a BPR fan, and the Spellbreaker has only served to break my heart. Man, I thought Agony and Smoke were the absolute monarchs of lameness, but Spellbreaker is infinitely lamer. Its ability is even MORE limited, its range of wielders is WAY smaller, and it somehow manages to cost a gajillion points more. (I used a calculator.) Quickness is nice, but it ain't enough to sell me, because it falls under the category of "Abilities My Black Thorn Already Has."
Rating: 1/2

R-103 SHIELD OF THE PYRE
This is truly one of the silliest-looking relics in the set. It just makes me picture Pit Tiger or some other Dark Crusaders unique saying "Talk to the hand!" It's really not that bad of a relic, though. It's the only one to grant Defend (not that DC has any high-defense uniques to use it, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it). And if those Deathsingers and Pain Wraiths are gettin' dissed, you can pimp out one of your DC uniques with Revenant. But if you try to "rez" any figure that costs more than your unique, then girlfriend, you be trippin'! Oh, snap!
Rating: **1/2

R-104 SCORCH HAMMER
Really, the only bad thing about the Scorch Hammer is that them #### greedy Solonavi won't let anybody else play with it! The Hammer is the enlightened dictator of one-shot relics. First off, you don't have to throw it away any time soon; it gives you Sweep, a beefed-up Venom, and a +1 to attack. All things Varatrix doesn't need, but could sure use. Second, when you do decide to give the Hammer the heave-ho, it turns into an incendiary with the explosive power of four Black Thorns! And that's a lot of Black Thorns!
Rating: ***1/2

R-105 DISRUPTOR
This relic is a little deceptive. I didn't think it was all that spiffy until I saw it in action. (Suffice it to say, they're still out there blottin' up Caldera's corpse with Handi-Wipes.) In the right conditions, the Disruptor can be a bomb. And I mean that in the "Magic: the Gathering game-winning choice" way, not the "really bad movie" way. Is Varatrix giving you fits with his aerial antics? Well, you can pull the wind from beneath his wings with the Disruptor. Or you can just nuke him with Spirit Armor. Your choice, really.
Rating: ***

R-106 MAGMA LANCE
A more accurate title would be "Lady Gliasti's Lance," as she's the only figure capable of gripping its burning shaft. But it gives her Smite and Crushing Blow, which she certainly can't argue with. And now she can Trample right through any Toughness figure who gets too big for their britches. Thus, for the one figure who can carry it, the Magma Lance is both excellent and fine.
Rating: ***

R-107 SUNFIRE JAVELIN
The Orcs were so jealous of the Scorch Hammer, they slapped together their own! It has fewer bells and whistles of course, but it's got a fair range of wielders, a cheaper cost, and a pretty big area of effect. Now crusty old Khan Harrowblade can finally get those durn kids off of his lawn without even having to leave his rocking chair! Beware, though...the Javelin doesn't distinguish between friend and foe. Fire in the hole!
Rating: ***

R-108 STAR SHIELD
When I saw a relic for my number one favorite faction, I was mega-excited! Parry, Venom, and +2 to defense! No lame Shield requirement! And a slight resistance to Solonavi (sadly, it ain't their ranged attacks we're worried about in this day and age)! Then, one dark day, it turned out that the Venom was actually Dodge. My heart sunk like the Lusitania. Newsflash, people: Dodge isn't all that good any more! Nowadays you can't even throw a Sunfire Javelin without spearing at least five Crushing Blow figures. In a perfect world, the Scorch Hammer would be the Draconum-only relic, and it would have flavor text mentioning how some courageous female Draconum "negotiated" a trade with the Solonavi...
Rating: **

R-109 STICK HORSE
With the Stick Horse, your unique will not be afraid to be killed in nasty ways! Brave, brave, brave Sir Unique! The Charge/Ghostform combo is even better than a shrubbery, and the Horseshoe speed type will let you cross huuuuuge...tracts of land. Its reliance on the crummy Coconut Halves and its need for two uniques are pretty serious downfalls, though. Still, it's fun and very nerd-friendly, and that's all that matters.
Rating: ***

R-110 COCONUT HALVES
God gave the Coconut Halves a purpose. They suck, and they suck well. (I'm sorry, were you expecting a Monty Python quote?)
Rating: 1/2

R-111 SHADOWPLATE OF THE REALMS
R-112 SHADOWHAMMER OF THE REALMS
Like mosquitoes and malaria, these two work best together. When the Plate lowers Defense, the Hammer grants Parry to counteract it. When the Plate throws you into an enemy's back arc, the Hammer makes your backstabs extra-stabby. When the Plate gets a cold, the Hammer sneezes. One time the Plate got diarrhea from the food at Benihana's, and...well, that's a story for another time. One juicy bit of gossip about these relics: Black Thorn loves them both. General Volkare does too, but it's more of a noncommittal, platonic thing.
Rating: ***1/2



Aaaaand that's a wrap! Please feel free to voice any and all questions, complaints, and threats of hostility. Orange drink will be served in the lobby.

While your review may be totally incoherent in its mad ramblings at times, I'm always up for some orange drink. Hehe, just kidding, bringing a bit of levity to the forums right now is needed...

The Orange drink alone makes it worth it.;)

Seems like a nice review though. Aside from the obvious bouts of insanity.;)

You passed the "You are now leaving Sanity" sign a while ago. You would have seen the "You are now entering the pleasant vista of Madness, TX", but the grass tore it down a while ago.
Nonetheless, we hope you enjoy your stay.


Great post
:D

Your incohirent ramblings will be inspration to everyone.
:p
:aquatic:

New relics have been revealed! And that means...THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

R-087 VENGEANCE
The best recipient for this relic would be a soaring, non-rider unique with no attack bonus, no Ghostform, and superb Defense. She would also have to be female, a Draconum, and pretty curvaceous. (Let's say Caldera for the sake of argument.) It's a decent relic, but why does it only work when your opponent misses? Wouldn't there be more incentive towards Vengeance if you were hurt and bleeding? My largely unprofessional theory is that the original artisan really wanted to call this relic "Naked Opportunism," but didn't have enough cash to get all of those letters inscribed on the hilt.
Rating: **1/2

R-094 PARAGON'S SLEDGE
I want this to be my Sledgehammer. It doesn't cost much more than the Decapitator, and it grants two of the same bonuses with none of that whole icky "instant-death" drawback. What I want to know is: who is this mysterious Paragon, anyway? Why does he have two really good relics? If we collect all of his relics, can we form some manner of giant robot? Or at the very least, a pretty cool Happy Meal toy?
Rating: ***1/2

Hmm.... Stick Horse and Coconut Halves.... yet another reason we need a cheap, mostly useless unique that is conveiniently named Packhorse... or better yet, Patsy. :D :D :D

Review of Threadcutter is way off!!! yes it gives you 2 Damage, but that's a boost for a lot of Riders -slap it on Crox for instance, and you have a 15 Attack Thunderblow!!!!

That hits anything with ease....

Yeah, I wasn't exactly conscious when I typed up the paragraph on the Cutter. I thought it specifically dealt 2 damage, which would have disqualified it from Impale.

I'll give it ****

Paragon refers to a legendary troll of the past.
And as an Atlantean commenting on the Ruby Lance, what adds insult to injury with it, is that there is only one figure in the entire game that can weild it, that someone being Ironwolf. I've been comptemplating running him unmounted with it but.......I still need to get him:D

I share Altem's sentiments about the ruby lance. I think it is one of the main reasons Atlantis did so poorly in the faction wars.

I don't quite agree with all of the reviews but it's cool that you would take the time and effort to write all that #### down. My add would never allow that. Good work guy.

FINAL ROUND! Heaven or Hell! LET'S ROCK!

R-092 SHIELD OF THE DWARVEN KING
If your Black Thorn is itching for a new relic, and Life Drain/Vampirism armies are tearing up the tournament scene, then the Shield will work out great. And chances are, if all those conditions are met, Elvis will rise from the grave and show up on the evening news to forecast that a cold front is closing in on Hell. Don't let the Healing fool you into thinking this relic's worth 39 points...see, the Black Powder gang already has the market corned on Healing, and healer/fighters suck anyway. This is not Black Thorn material, folks.
Rating: **

R-093 FORGEHAMMER
And here I thought this was going to be another Golem-hate relic. Instead, it's like a ranged (and more damaging) version of Giant's Wrath. And its ability is optional. These are good things. The bad things are, its range is strictly "eh", and it carries a price tag rivaling most prescription drugs. For best results, give Forgehammer to a rider and shake well. Apply a liberal coating of Clear Skies beforehand.
Rating: ***1/2

R-095 LODGEBREAKER
Yeah! Take that, Fieldstone Wall! Get ready to eat it, Yak Hide Tent! To date I haven't seen a single constructed terrain piece enter play, so maybe I'm not qualified to judge the Lodgebreaker's main ability. Other than that, it's a cheap source of Sweep, and its negative modifier to speed is no sweat for a rider. I'm sure Ironwolf will appreciate it. That chainsaw sword was pretty crappy anyway.
Rating: ***

R-098 FEATHER PLATE
Remember how nice Flight used to be? Remember how much it blows now? The Feather Plate is everything Flight should be: for example, it's optional. If the loss of double-time power gets you down, then simply drop the Plate and fetch it later! Or throw it into the air and let another one of your uniques catch it! The fun never stops with the Feather Plate! From Hasbro.
Rating: ***

R-099 BLACKSTONE PLATE
Hey, it's exactly the same as Rabahn's Shield, but, um.....infinitely lamer, because it only protects against Wand attacks. And it costs more too! So what if it doesn't destroy your accuracy like the Shield? If you need +1 to attack and defense, I can think of a billion better ways to get it. Maybe even a gazillion...
Rating: **

R-100 WAVE PLATE
...And here's one of them right now! This relic is a steal at 19 points. Who cares about its main abilities? The Wave type is totally expendable. Give this to a rider, and reap the bonuses, baby!
Rating: ***

You need to make a 2.0 one. :)

You do realize that with the feather plate you can still double time? (You have both the boot and wing, boot has the double time proficiency).