Contained in the meagre amounts of correspondence I receive over my occasional scribblings on this forum (the bulk of which is, admittedly, hate mail from Messrs. Figueroa and Cabanero) is the occasional question: "Which IMs are real?"

I have long maintained the difference is obvious to anyone with a two-digit IQ (not least because there is a simple key to telling the difference: fakies are in bold, real ones are posted straight up). However, with the year ending, and the appearance of 'retrospective' threads featuring predictably self-indulgent navel gazing, I figured I would join in and repost the last year of VSRealms IMs from yours truly (and reveal who I was talking with in each one for the first time - for those of you who don't know the relevant pro VS players well enough to spot the signs).

For the record, I am acutely aware that I risk becoming a stubarnes-esque parody of myself with this post. But whatever. It's 2007. We're all one year closer to being dead anyway, and then nobody will care.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

These ones may not have been totally real...

Introducing Milton Figeruoa, Steve "Snuffie" Horowitz and Vidi Wijaya:

Comrade.Tennet: Milton, can you round up some of your Cuban revolutionary compadres? We are gonna move ahead with forming our workers' paradise.
Lazybum.Figueroa: I am not Cuban. And I am busy MODOing.
Comrade.Tennet: Isn't your dad Che Guevara?
Lazybum.Figueroa: No. Che Guevara was Argentinian. My father is puerto rican. And he works in a newspaper in Miami.
Comrade.Tennet: You aren't Venezuelan?
Lazybum.Figueroa: No, that is Steve Horowitz.
Comrade.Tennet: Okay, but you have relatives in Cuba right?
Lazybum.Figueroa: No. Puerto Rico is not Cuba.
Comrade.Tennet: Well how about friends? Like did you pick any Cubans up when you sailed here on your raft?
Lazybum.Figueroa: OMG. I hate you so much.
Lazybum.Figueroa has signed off.

Comrade.Tennet: Yo steve
JudasWasFramed: sup
Comrade.Tennet: Can you call Milton for me?
JudasWasFramed: he is online. just IM him?
Comrade.Tennet: What? He just signed off.
JudasWasFramed: No he is online, i will get him to IM you. hold on.
Comrade.Tennet: k
JudasWasFramed: he says he blocked you.
Comrade.Tennet: OMG. he is so lazy! i was just trying to motivate him.
JudasWasFramed: yeah. he's a bum alright.
Comrade.Tennet: well anyway, you are venezuelan right?
JudasWasFramed: yeah
Comrade.Tennet: so you know Hugo Chavez?
JudasWasFramed: Ummm no.
Comrade.Tennet: but you said you were from Venezuela.
JudasWasFramed: ... do you know the ####ing queen?
Comrade.Tennet: Huh?
JudasWasFramed: you are from england, do you know the ####ing queen?
Comrade.Tennet: Well I know *a* queen...
JudasWasFramed: yeah david leader doesn't count.
Comrade.Tennet: ok, fair enough. well my point is, can you call him and get us some help setting up our workers paradise?
JudasWasFramed: OMG. I DO NOT KNOW HIM. HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF A COUNTRY I NO LONGER LIVE IN.
JudasWasFramed has signed off.

Comrade.Tennet: yo vidi
Vidi.Likesboobs: yo
Comrade.Tennet: I think Milt and steve are blocking me. anyway, w/e. listen, are there hispanic guerrillas in Indonesia?
Vidi.Likesboobs: :noid: ...um no. i think jakarta zoo has a pair of chinese pandas or something. why?
Comrade.Tennet: Huh? No you numpty, i mean like revolutionary guerrillas. Like ones that fight for the overthrow of society.
Vidi.Likesboobs: ohhh. like in planet of the apes?
Comrade.Tennet: ...
Vidi.Likesboobs: are you talking about the Burton remake? i didnt see that dude, i hate remakes.
Comrade.Tennet: GUERRILLAS! Not ####ing monkeys!
Vidi.Likesboobs: heh, though i love that bit at the end when he sees the statue of liberty in the water. it's like, lol, pwned by primates. GG.
Comrade.Tennet: OMG. nevermind.
Vidi.Likesboobs: hmm, monkeys are only a few dna strands away from humans right? do you think that means that the chick monkeys have boobs?
Comrade.Tennet has signed off.

--------------------------------------------------------

With David Leader:

DavidIsTheLeader: Question
TheRodOfAges: yeah?
DavidIsTheLeader: Can google trace your IP address back to where you live?
TheRodOfAges: Um, I don't know. Possibly.
TheRodOfAges: why would they want to?
DavidIsTheLeader: Just if you search for something that might be considered controversial (totally innocently) and they think you aren't. Innocent, that is.
TheRodOfAges: Uh, they get like a billion search requests every second. WTF makes you think they care about tracing yours?
DavidIsTheLeader: No no, it's not me.
DavidIsTheLeader: But say, hypothetically, that you entered a search term (while doing research) that, while completely innocent, could be misconstrued by a law enforcement official if they saw it. You know, despite your search being completely based on curiosity.
TheRodOfAges: Oh, like 'How to make a bomb' or something?
DavidIsTheLeader: Right, or 'Pictures of pre-teens in swimwear' or whatever.
TheRodOfAges: ...
DavidIsTheLeader: Do you think they would trace a completely benign request like that?
TheRodOfAges: Dave, I am not having this conversation with you.
DavidIsTheLeader: Fine. I will go ask Dalton.
DavidIsTheLeader: Btw, re: our discussion on adding people to the team. I know he's kinda young, but I saw him play at Charlotte and that Graham Van Leeuwen is pretty good looking
TheRodOfAges: Um
DavidIsTheLeader: Er, good! Good. I mean at the game. Good at the game.
TheRodOfAges: :noid:
DavidIsTheLeader: As in, he is a good VS player. That's what I meant.
DavidIsTheLeader: Anyway, we should talk to him about coming on board. We have an odd number of people anyway, so when we split those double rooms in hotels there's always a random side of a bed going to waste. It would be 'efficient'.
TheRodOfAges: Stop talking to me right now.
DavidIsTheLeader: Hmm, or how about some of those kids from Team Bugz? They seem to like me.
TheRodOfAges: I am going to block you.
DavidIsTheLeader: And a couple of them have 10k wins, we could use that as an explanation...
You are blocking DavidIsTheLeader at 10:35:03 PM.

------------------------------------------------

Enraging Mike Dalton (with thanks to Bono and U2):

A-Rod007: OMG. it is sunday.
A-Rod007: Sunday Bloody Sunday!
MDalton: uh, sure
A-Rod007: hey mike, let's bullet the blue sky
A-Rod007: just you and me
MDalton: where?
A-Rod007: where the streets have no name. obv.
MDalton: go away.
A-Rod007: :-(
A-Rod007: kinda rude
A-Rod007: especially given i have climbed the highest mountain
A-Rod007: and run through the fields
A-Rod007: only to be w/ you
A-Rod007: only to be w/ you...
MDalton: I'm touched. are you drunk again?
A-Rod007: yes, very :-(
A-Rod007: but I still haven't found what I'm looking for...
MDalton: try jumping off a cliff. you may find what you're looking for there...
A-Rod007: ok. let's do it together. we'll carry each other
A-Rod007: carry each other...
MDalton: seek help
A-Rod007: in the name of love?
MDalton: I'm going to block you.
A-Rod007: NO NO don't do that
MDalton: then shush
A-Rod007: but mike...
MDalton: what?
A-Rod007: I can't live...with or without you...
MDalton has signed off at 2:34:24 AM.

-----------------------------------------------

An FTN Team Chat (note: to understand this, google 'Maf54'):

A-Rod007: so we drafting?
ChuckBell: yeah i guess.
ChuckBell: am setting up now, thought we were gonna meet in 15 mins though. who made the chat?
Maf54: a/s/l?
VidiWijaya: ...
A-Rod007: wait who is that?
KimCaton: umm. Maf54 is not on the team. did someone invite him to draft with us?
Maf54: what?
PeterSundholm: what's going on?
Maf54: er sorry, wrong chat.
Maf54 has left the room.
VidiWijaya: ...
A-Rod007: wtf?
A-Rod007: Ok, whatever. do we have 8 people?
MikeDalton: No we need 1 more. Oh wait, Dave just signed on.
KimCaton: Huh? I thought Dave was in D.C. this weekend.
DavidLeader has entered the room.
DavidLeader: Hey sorry
DavidLeader: AIM was acting kinda funny. I uh, couldn't sign on. Er anyway, shall we draft now?
VidiWijaya: ...

---------------------------------------------------

With Milton Figueroa:

A couple months before PCLA:

FriedmanIsMyDaddy: el compadre
A-Rod007: what's up milton
A-Rod007: you realise that nobody actually understands you when you talk in that ridiculous language right?
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: el cerito!
A-Rod007: Yes. What can I do for you?
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: I got a message from prosak
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: he wants to join FTN
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: SakOfPro-tatoes: i hate team mxyback. SakOfPro-tatoes: especially gellerman and his obsession with wiitanen. SakOfPro-tatoes: i want off, can i join FTN?
A-Rod007: Can we be sure that was actually him?
A-Rod007: I havent forgotten the last time this happened when you gave our decklist to John Rich posing as David Leader...
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: Bah. he told me he'd dyed his hair nigga =[
A-Rod007: and gained 200 lbs???
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: i thought it was all those protein shakes =/
A-Rod007: whatever.
A-Rod007: Leader is online, show it to him. then we'll take it to the full team.
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: si, si.
...
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: He said no. he thinks prosak sucks.
A-Rod007: so? you're on the team; sucking is obv no barrier to membership
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: you need me in case there's a PC Mexico =)
A-Rod007: Heh. For the record, I love how you've just accepted your role as the mexican punching bag. You don't even protest anymore.
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: You took all my self-respect ='[
A-Rod007: Be quiet.
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: sorry.
A-Rod007: I suppose leader is right, prosak isn't very good. Message him back and tell him thanks but no thanks.
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: i want to add him tho
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: none of you will play me and my decks with 45 1-ofs. he might.
A-Rod007: Do not argue with me! Do as you are told.
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: ok, sorry =[
A-Rod007: Besides, we wouldn't gain anything from prosak anyway; he sucks now. If he ever wins anything again I'll admit you were right and apologise. I might even treat you with some respect.
FriedmanIsMyDaddy: Really? =)
A-Rod007: Heh, sure. Don't get your hopes up though...

(Based on a true story from the events before PCLA).

End of Fake Ones

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, they really did say that...

With Vidi Wijaya:

AlexInEngland: i just realised
AlexInEngland: i was chewing top of pen
VidiInCali: uh
VidiInCali: you do that all the time
AlexInEngland: and earlier i was scratching my arse with it
AlexInEngland: f*ck
VidiInCali: GG Life

-----------------------------------------------

With Milton Figueroa (after England were knocked out of the World Cup by Portugal):

MiltonFigueroaSucks: portugal lost?
TennetPwnzMilt: no you mother####er
TennetPwnzMilt: they beat us on penalties AGAIN
MiltonFigueroaSucks: ROFL
TennetPwnzMilt: #### you
MiltonFigueroaSucks: well now that you mention it
MiltonFigueroaSucks: i an 1/8 portugese
MiltonFigueroaSucks: am*
MiltonFigueroaSucks: =)
MiltonFigueroaSucks: viva portugal
MiltonFigueroaSucks: =P
TennetPwnzMilt: leave me alone to grieve
MiltonFigueroaSucks: look
MiltonFigueroaSucks: i know how you feel
MiltonFigueroaSucks: i have the perfect thing for you to cheer up
MiltonFigueroaSucks: www.chucknorrisfacts.com
MiltonFigueroaSucks: that always cheers me up
TennetPwnzMilt: omg
TennetPwnzMilt: i am going to kill you
MiltonFigueroaSucks: =P

-------------------------------------------------

Milton Figueroa again:

VivaVincente2006 signed on at 7:59:59 PM.
VivaVincente2006: well, hello there
VivaVincente2006: how's your Futbol team doing?
A-RodIsSad: you are having fun with this
A-RodIsSad: that's okay, I can take it
A-RodIsSad: and besides, what did puerto rico ever contribute to civilisation besides half of west side story
A-RodIsSad: and the only member of FTN with no trophy
VivaVincente2006: we gave you gigli
VivaVincente2006: and jersey girl

----------------------------------------

Still with Milton Figueroa:

MiltLovesModo: i can't type =[
EnglandFor2010: its ok
EnglandFor2010: you are not used to typing in english
MiltLovesModo: i know =[
MiltLovesModo: english is gay
MiltLovesModo: and so is soccer
EnglandFor2010: when I am president of earth
EnglandFor2010: puerto rico is getting nuked
MiltLovesModo: good ridance
EnglandFor2010: and you
EnglandFor2010: and your mom
EnglandFor2010: are going to clean my basement
EnglandFor2010: daily
MiltLovesModo: meh we lived a good life
MiltLovesModo: i'm past my prime anyways
EnglandFor2010: true!
EnglandFor2010: you also eat too much
MiltLovesModo: my hips aren't what they used to be
EnglandFor2010: being in the promised land has made you slothful
EnglandFor2010: and gluttonous
MiltLovesModo: i would probably feel insulted
MiltLovesModo: if i knew what that meant

----------------------------------------------------------

Milton Figueroa AGAIN:

TerrorOfTijuana: yeah judas sucks
LordOfLondon: you suck
LordOfLondon: now go
LordOfLondon: and hurry back
LordOfLondon: if you are feeling less lazy than usual
TerrorOfTijuana: i'm feeling 101% lazy
TerrorOfTijuana: if that's even possible
LordOfLondon: grrrr
TerrorOfTijuana: to be that low on lazyness =/
LordOfLondon: heh
LordOfLondon: milton motivated
LordOfLondon: i suppose being as you barely get out of bed most days, it is all relative
TerrorOfTijuana: indeed

-----------------------------------------------------

With Mike Dalton:

FTN#1: I want to play VS w/ you online
FTN#1: and there are 2 girls in the same room as me
FTN#1: watching "Throat-bangers 12" on the TV
FTN#1: is that bad of me?
FTN #2: no you are doing ok
FTN #2: you have to show you have better things to do than have a threesome w/ them
FTN #2: it makes them want you more

-----------------------------------------------

With Milton Figueroa again:

FTN#1: you owe me games
FTN#1: like 054873605649876
FTN #2: your mom owes me money
FTN #2: like $054873605649876
FTN#1: good thing i'm not my mom =)
FTN#1: i'd be broke
FTN #2: yes, and repeatedly facef*cked by me
FTN#1: yeah also ask you mom if she is done my "my mom's face" mask that she used for repeated facef*cks by you?
FTN #2: haha, your english is so terrible I can't understand you
FTN#1: =(

---------------------------------------------------

With Erik E. Cabanero (shortly after the 'dirty video' incident at PC Indy):

A.Rod: i still cannot get those vile images from my mind
A.Rod: how could you do that to poor Vidi with a pc to win?
A.Rod: and the young, impressionable chap in the room
A.Rod: how old was he?
Erik.E.Cabanero: 16
A.Rod: you have forever injured him with degrading images of raw filth
Erik.E.Cabanero: hehe
A.Rod: i wish i could shower my brain and cleanse it of those vile images you have filled it with
A.Rod: in your quest for deviant acts of sexual smut
A.Rod: *shudder*
Erik.E.Cabanero: man
Erik.E.Cabanero: i hope they're not monitoring this conversation
Erik.E.Cabanero: i'm so gonna get fired
A.Rod: wait, your work can monitor this?
Erik.E.Cabanero: yes
A.Rod: ERIK MADE US WATCH A VIDEO OF A NUN EATING SH*T OUT OF A PRIEST'S @SS
Erik.E.Cabanero: omfg
A.Rod: AND THEN ANOTHER ONE WITH A TUBE AND A SPATULA
A.Rod: WHERE THE WOMAN SCOOPED THE SH*T DOWN A TUBE INTO A GUY'S MOUTH
Erik.E.Cabanero signed off at 2:39:07 PM.

--------------------------------------------

The next day, with Erik E. Cabanero:

A-Rod: did you get fired?
ErikCabanero: no
A-Rod: colin told me you were planning on quitting anyway :-P
ErikCabanero: maybe
A-Rod: er wait are you at work
ErikCabanero: yes
A-Rod: oops

--------------------------------------------

With Milton Figueroa:

A-Rod007: rofl @ you
A-Rod007: and your 7th pick Litterbug
MiltonFigueroa: you don't like it?
A-Rod007: well
A-Rod007: i will admit it is better than this
A-Rod007: Pack: 1, Pick: 1, Choice: Clumsy Foulup™ / Puppet Dictator
A-Rod007: Pack: 1, Pick: 2, Choice: Universal Weapon
A-Rod007: tell me milton, do those cards go together?
MiltonFigueroa: in the same deck
MiltonFigueroa: sure
MiltonFigueroa: in my decks?
MiltonFigueroa: no
MiltonFigueroa: =[
A-Rod007: you dont see a problem w/ 1st picking that card?
MiltonFigueroa: nope
A-Rod007: this may be why you cant top 8
MiltonFigueroa: could be
MiltonFigueroa: now we just have to find why you can't t8 and we'll be fine =)
A-Rod007: don't change the subject. besides, i attend less events than you and still beat you
MiltonFigueroa: right
MiltonFigueroa: and we have to find out why you don't t8 them =)
A-Rod007: be quiet
MiltonFigueroa: you started nigga
A-Rod007: you are not permitted to talk back to me
A-Rod007: know your place
A-Rod007: here is a dime, go clean my house
A-Rod007: now you can either go back to your mexican homeland and buy a house with it
A-Rod007: or add a buck fifty and get yourself a nice cup of coffee at starbucks
MiltonFigueroa: your jokes are so fresh =)
MiltonFigueroa: and funny
MiltonFigueroa: =P
A-Rod007: heh. let's play
MiltonFigueroa: k
MiltonFigueroa: gimme a mo, getting food
A-Rod007: k

A-Rod007: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
A-Rod007: how long can it take
MiltonFigueroa: went to taco bell
MiltonFigueroa: hungry as hell
A-Rod007: up yours
A-Rod007: i could've gone to top dog
A-Rod007: but i waited
MiltonFigueroa: my bad
MiltonFigueroa: =[
A-Rod007: yes
A-Rod007: your bad
MiltonFigueroa: i'll play you in 5 mins
A-Rod007: i'll hurt you in 5 mins
MiltonFigueroa: go eat
A-Rod007: no
MiltonFigueroa: i'll wait for you
A-Rod007: do whatever you need to do
A-Rod007: but it better be only 5 mins
MiltonFigueroa: k
MiltonFigueroa signed off at 10:12:53 PM.

MiltonFigueroa: signed on at 1:03:20 AM.
MiltonFigueroa: sorry
MiltonFigueroa: accidentally fell asleep =/
A-Rod007: i swear to god
A-Rod007: my loathing of you knows no bounds

--------------------------------------------------

With Erik E. Cabanero:

A-Rod007: oh sh*t
A-Rod007: er no pun intended
ErikCabanero: asshat

--------------------------------------------------

With Vidi Wijaya:

A-Rod007: i am driving down from berkeley to the PC
A-Rod007: 6 hour trip
A-Rod007: you would probably kill yourself if it was you
VidiWijaya: or cabanero
A-Rod007: heh
A-Rod007: can you imagine 6 hours in a car w/ cabanero driving
A-Rod007: it would be like
A-Rod007: oh look erik
A-Rod007: there is a field of cows
A-Rod007: and one of them is taking a sh*t
A-Rod007: OMG NO, WATCH THE ROAD NOT THE COW! F*CK!!!
A-Rod007: *Screeeeech crash Booom*
A-Rod007: etc
VidiWijaya: lol nice
VidiWijaya: you should post ths
VidiWijaya: on the pro team discussion
A-Rod007: good idea

-------------------------------------------------

With Erik E. Cabanero:

A-Rod: Dbl-E
Nopoop4EEC: yo
A-Rod: Are you perchance related to anyone from the Catalonian region of spain?
Nopoop4EEC: maybe?
A-Rod: aha! I was correct
Nopoop4EEC: i don't know my ancestry past my grandparents
A-Rod: BARCELONA, Spain (AP) — The Virgin Mary. The three kings. A few wayward sheep. These are the figures one expects to find in a traditional Christmas nativity scene. Not a smartly dressed peasant squatting behind a rock with his rear-end exposed.

Yet statuettes of "El Caganer," or the great defecator in the Catalan language, can be found in nativity scenes, and increasingly on the mantelpieces of collectors, throughout Spain's northeastern Catalonia region, where for centuries symbols of defecation have played an important role in Christmas festivities.

During the holiday season, pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces, and on Christmas Eve Catalan children beat a hollow log, called the tio, packed with holiday gifts, singing a song that urges it to defecate presents out the other end.

These traditions, in the case of the caganer dating back as far as the 17th century, come from an agricultural society where defecation was associated with fertility and health.
Nopoop4EEC: ...
A-Rod: You seem speechless. Are you grateful that I have uncovered this part of your heritage for you?
Nopoop4EEC: right
A-Rod: Perhaps it explains why your family Christmas traditions as a child were so different from those of your playmates?
A-Rod: You don't need to thank me or anything, it was no trouble at all.
Nopoop4EEC: what would I do without your careful research and overal insights into my life

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope you were amused all over again, (or in some cases, reminded of why you want to kill me). I leave you with a selection of amusing 'shorts' from years gone by (yes, I have known some of these people a long time, and they still talk to me for reasons unknown).

Mike Dalton <> Master of Irony:

MDalton: I hate when people are tough guys on the internet and can't back it up
MDalton: like for real

Ryan Jones - Discussing his Online Dating preferences:

Jonesy: So, in my case, I'd generally search for all girls within 50 miles between age 18 and 15, who are white (unless im feeling exotic), and describe themselves as having an average or better body type.

Kim Caton - On exactly how she would've beaten Jim Li at the PA State Championship for LOTR:

KimC: and I SO would have licked Li's @ss...
KimC: kicked
A-Rod007: nice
KimC: KICKED
A-Rod007: nice
A-Rod007: NICE
KimC: QUIET, YOU
A-Rod007: he's online, he so needs to see that
KimC: NO

And finally, my favourite IM exchange ever:

MDalton: the girl who "quasi-dumped" me yesterday's birthday is saturday
A-Rod007: quasi-dumped
MDalton: yes
A-Rod007: is that similar to how she quasi-had-sex w/ you?
MDalton: sorta

Happy New Year folks.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

I mean, read. Read the whole thing.

That's the best post/recap in the world.

When I rep enough other people, I'll rep you at least 2 more times on the strength of this post alone. So feel free to just spew complete and utter crap (apparently not unlike EE) from now on.

I think this puts you in contention for winning the internets. Thanks for killing 15 minutes of my day; I need all the help I can get.

Great post!!! I laughed histerically!!!

I have to say Kim's post was the one that got to me!!! (is that sick? lol)

Also for the record, a parody of a parody of a parody starts to lose resolution after the third generation.

Happy New Year anyway.

Awesome.

May 2007 bring more IMs.

I don't think you should have told people the code though and leave if for the ones who already caught your first mentions of it.

Everytime I try to hate Mr Tennet for being a filthy human being he makes a post like this and I add him back to the list of the people I let hang around me at the PC. Your getting repped.

Alex,

You've been one of my favorite writers since I was an active Star Wars player. That was freakin' hysterical. In fact, I do believe that that post may have been "The Dog's Bollocks"! Good job.

Ah, the loli-loving Leader....never gets old.

What a great year. The original Orwell-inspired post remains one of my favorites, although some of the real ones are just as funny. I'd rep you again but I just repped you for something else so I'll do it later.

that was funny, just funny

wow alex needs a girlfriend badly and some of those posts od milt are hilarious...

Dorian he goes out with Kim...