The Art of Trolling

I wrote this guide because I find it terribly amusing that hardly anyone has caught on to my antics yet. I’m a troll...and a pretty good one at that. This probably won’t help anyone directly but I’m bored and felt like writing an article about the art of trolling…so gather round my fellow trolls and embrace your need to cause chaos and confusion.

Before you begin trolling you need to ask yourself a few questions; am I a smarmy elitist prick with nothing better to do at work than entertain myself (and possibly others) by being boorish and witty? Are my comments provoking enough to enrage specific targets or elicit three solid pages of flaming? Or am I just a spamming moron who has nothing of substance or consequence to offer my fellow posters at all. If you’ve answered yes to the first two questions then by all means troll onward my fellow troll, perhaps we will meet in the trenches. However, if you’ve answered yes to the third question please continue reading…you will learn something.

Firstly, find one or more good alternate handles for yourself. Gain some trust with your primary handle by posting a series of good question threads. Pick a good topic to get people to know that you’re not a newbie but you have some sincere rules concerns and stuff. Oh yeah, don’t bother using an avatar for your primary handle and always find superficial but signature ways to write for each handle.

Secondly, find a controversial topic thread and begin to argue diplomatically until you’ve outsmarted someone who thinks too much about this game and they will gradually become paranoid and eventually infuriated. Begin to pick at their post for signs of hostility and reveal to them that you are not only a troll…but a trolling force to be reckoned with. Make them feel small and insignificant…let them know that you bask in the glory of your trolldom.

Thirdly, post a thread that pisses people off even more. That’s right, it should be titled something to the effect of “Wolverine vs. Galactus”, “Firelord is Cheese”, “Superman=No Character Depth”, “What do you think of my Con Artist team?” or “Let’s Change This Game”. This is sure to get some attention and like me I’m sure you just can’t wait to start quoting parts of people’s posts and making them feel stupid. It should also be a topic that won’t just get you flamed, but will also cause others to flame each other…which is what truly makes trolling an art. You must go unrecognized at this point.

Fourthly, after the flames are really burning up the forum, it’s time to work on that elitist charm. This takes some experience and perhaps a mix of both deception and actual intelligence. It’s key that you build yourself up as a scholarly person on the forums, so people attack you with all they have. It’s also important that you not only flame back the flamers, but also to use your elitist attitude by nitpicking the few posters who actually agree with you. If you can get to this stage without having your cover blown as a troll, then you are proficient at trolling…to say the least.

Fifthly, there will come a time when some of the more intelligent people on the realm figure you out and the jig is up. This is a turning point in the career of every troll and how you handle it is what separates the amateurs from greatness. It is imperative that you follow the "flame thread" up with some sort of graceful apology, so you cleanse yourself of troll status and start with a clean slate…and of course, live to troll again! If you can pull off not being revealed as a troll after this or not even needing an apology; then my friend, you are a better troll then I.

Sixthly, it’s important to know your fellow trolls and to give them some space. See if you can figure out exactly what kind of reaction he’s looking for from other posters and lend a hand if you can. Remember, it’s his thread and therefore his territory so take on your role as “supporting troll” only and maybe you won’t need those extra handles to come in and help you out when you’re overwhelmed with flames. A powerful troll is tough to point out but they make great allies.

Finally, avoid being banned. Also, kiss up to moderators without them or other posters even realizing that you’re doing it. Warning points are most certainly par for the course, but if you have finesse you’ll avoid getting them long enough to maintain a long trolling career. If you can get them and others wonder why you actually got them and begin viewing you as some sort of martyr, then you’ve done a top-notch job.

That’s my guide on how to be an effective troll. Good luck and best wishes trolls!