musings
A one-act play
Posted 02/10/2007 at 20:54 by plkangus
Kind of a sci-fi thing, enjoy!
Dramatis Personae:
Jack Collins: A lonely, would-be private eye in a dank, run-down urban area.
CSR Bill M: A customer service rep in the near future, who is telling Jack how to do his private eye job
Scene: A car on the other side of the street from Jack’s quarry; A man sits in his house, working a typewriter. Jack is using binoculars.
Jack: So hey, how do I bring this guy in closer?
CSR Bill: Closer? Oh, yeah, the knob between the two cylinders of the binoculars will let you focus in on him.
Jack: I see him clear-like, but I can’t read what he’s typing on that thing.
CSR Bill: What model of binoculars are you using?
Jack: The box says it’s an Acme Junior Spy 20-10 XP
CSR Bill: (Typing), Well, I found the online manual for you. The left eyepiece has a zoom feature, which you can use by twisting it clockwise.
Jack: I bet you sell a lot of these… Anyhow the left eyepiece doesn’t move, but the right one does, how the heck do I turn this thing?
CSR Bill: Hmm, try turning the binoculars over…
Jack: Okay, that’s better.
CSR Bill: So can you read what he is typing?
Jack: I dunno, he just got up to answer the phone. So how do I use that phone tap thing? I want to hear what he's saying.
CSR Bill: I apologize, but I am not trained in the use of that equipment. I would be happy to transfer you to a Technical Service Agent for the phone tap company…
Jack: Nah, he’s sat back down, probably the wrong number. Say, how am I supposed to stay awake during these long stakeouts?
CSR Bill: I can recommend a selection of music and a caffeine injection from your headset pharmacy. We have other stimulants too. Would you like me to program something in for you?
Jack: Do you have anything, which does not involve needles and bad tunes?
CSR Bill: Well, I am trained to provide small talk, trivia and banter, for which we can bill your account at a rate of four ‘uni’s per minute. Strictly non-social, mind you: or I will have to release this transmission.
Jack: That sounds like what my wife said just before she left me.
CSR Bill: I beg your pardon?
Jack: A bad joke... You said you offer small talk, I’ll guess I’ll go with that then, so bill me.
CSR Bill: Nice weather we’re having isn’t it?
Jack: Nice weather? No. It’s lousy actually, but I forgot. Where are you out of anyway? Probably someplace warm and dry and sunny?
CSR Bill: Actually, I’m in orbit above the magnetic North Pole. They don’t let us out much.
Jack: You seem to know a lot for someone, who’s never been to the mean streets, kid.
CSR Bill: I was born down there, but I got picked up by a soft company and trained to help people like you live their lives better.
Jack: Oh, and believe me, our lives need living better (Sarcastically).
CSR Bill: (Missing the sarcasm), Well, we do try to get it right.
Jack: But you ain’t got no life of your own, right?
CSR Bill: I get time off. I have to spend it on the station, mostly. I get a shuttle ride to anywhere on the planet two weeks out of the year.
Jack: Got a wife, kids?
CSR Bill: No. I don’t really have time for that. I provide genetic material for the lab, but we don’t fraternize up here, bad for morale and the law says…
Jack: I’m sorry I asked. So, you got my contract, right? What is this guy doing that I’m supposed to nab him for?
CSR Bill: Hmm… one moment as my goggles refresh… Thanks for your patience. Ah yes, he is writing unauthorized manuals for electronics repair, and hangnail removal. His name is Dean Blake. He was caught and imprisoned a few years back for vandalizing a traffic control tower and for petty teaching.
Jack: A real desperado, then. (sarcastically).
CSR Bill: (does not catch the sarcasm). The manuals are serious, as is the vandalism, but teaching is only a misdemeanor. His kind we put into prison helmets, where CSRs try to guide each criminal into more productive pursuits.
Jack: Helmets? For how long?
CSR Bill: There are a number of contract options, depending on the offense. It’s better than poisoning them or having them in a cell somewhere. If they re-offend they get a contract renewal.
Jack: What’s so bad about writing manuals. Ain’t that kinda close to what you get paid to do?
CSR Bill: If everybody were allowed to teach or write manuals, my company and the whole customer service industry would fall apart. How would anyone find time to live their lives if they had to figure out how to do things, when we can just walk them through it over the air?
Jack: My ma said something about how you can give someone a fish and they would eat it right away, but if you showed ‘em where they could find a lot of fish… Well, maybe I don’t remember it right, but it doesn’t seem right to stop a guy from being helpful.
CSR Bill: It may not seem like it, but he could actually be doing more harm than good. And what if he gives out bad information? Someone could electrocute themselves, or bleed out from a bad hangnail job. Would you want to be responsible for letting someone like that remain out on the street?
Jack: Well, what if you give out bad information? You ain’t perfect either, right?
CSR Bill: Well, at least I have underwriters conferenced-in with me to make sure any mistakes I make are properly handled. What has he got? He doesn’t even have policies.
Jack: (looking back at the house). He’s got a dame, it looks like. (scribbles on notepad), Brunette, leggy, bad teeth. What do you got on her?
CSR Bill: She’s a member of a known underground cell. I can’t release her name to you, due to customer confidentiality, but I can tell you to be careful, she’s pretty violent.
Jack: They’re leaving the house, he’s got a manual with him in a briefcase. Do I follow them?
CSR Bill: If you like. I have been cross-trained in Urban Driving and Hot Pursuit. (Types; car engine starts); At what distance would you like to follow?
Jack: As close as I can without them letting on they’re being followed.
CSR Bill: Alright, just follow the instructions I am sending to your dashboard display and you may want to put on your windshield wipers at this point.
Jack: (Driving). It looks like they are pulling up at this abandoned rail yard. What now?
CSR Bill: You should probably follow them and let me record their transaction.
Jack: Are you crazy? They could be armed. He’s a criminal and this is my first night on the job. And how do I have you record their transaction?
CSR Bill: You can do this, Jack, I’ll walk you through it. Just switch to speakerphone when you get within earshot and I will read them their rights when I have recorded the crime, then you take them into custody.
Jack: I don’t want to do this.
CSR Bill: That is your choice. There is a substantial early termination penalty for your contract, however and…
Jack: Awright. I have a gun in here someplace. I don’t have an ammo accessory for it, how would I get that?
CSR Bill: I could ship it Orbital Express, 16-hour delivery, but I think you don’t have that kind of time.
Jack: So no bullets?
CSR Bill: (typing), I found a Sports-n-Guns retailer about 5 miles from your location, would you like to…
Jack: Nah, he’s just an unlicensed teacher. I guess it will be OK. Is she a good shot?
CSR Bill: I’m afraid I cannot give out another client’s information.
Jack: So you work for her too? What gives? Are you setting me up here?
CSR Bill: Of course I work for her too, like I would for you or anyone else. I am not setting you up, and your information is secure from her as well. Is there anything else I can do to assist you, Jack?
Jack: Well, I’ve just got out of the car and I am walking around a locomotive. I think I see them, I’m moving closer.
CSR Bill: you should be close enough, now go ahead and select the yellow arrow key, marked Speakerphone.
Jack: OK, like this… This is not good, I think they spotted me.
CSR Bill: I suggest you run.
(A shot is heard and Jack crumples to his knees as two figures race away in the night),
Jack: (Screams), I think I’ve been shot. What do I do now?
CSR Bill: (Typing), I’m sorry to hear that. Please hold while I connect you with a Medical Service Representative… (Typing), please have your Mobile Medical Service number ready at the prompt. Thank you for choosing Ace Detective Services, we appreciate your business.
The Call
A Play in one Act by Peter Wort
The setting: a possible future in which the dominant industry is customer service, in which each company tries to make life easier for it’s clients, one contract at a time.Dramatis Personae:
Jack Collins: A lonely, would-be private eye in a dank, run-down urban area.
CSR Bill M: A customer service rep in the near future, who is telling Jack how to do his private eye job
Scene: A car on the other side of the street from Jack’s quarry; A man sits in his house, working a typewriter. Jack is using binoculars.
Jack: So hey, how do I bring this guy in closer?
CSR Bill: Closer? Oh, yeah, the knob between the two cylinders of the binoculars will let you focus in on him.
Jack: I see him clear-like, but I can’t read what he’s typing on that thing.
CSR Bill: What model of binoculars are you using?
Jack: The box says it’s an Acme Junior Spy 20-10 XP
CSR Bill: (Typing), Well, I found the online manual for you. The left eyepiece has a zoom feature, which you can use by twisting it clockwise.
Jack: I bet you sell a lot of these… Anyhow the left eyepiece doesn’t move, but the right one does, how the heck do I turn this thing?
CSR Bill: Hmm, try turning the binoculars over…
Jack: Okay, that’s better.
CSR Bill: So can you read what he is typing?
Jack: I dunno, he just got up to answer the phone. So how do I use that phone tap thing? I want to hear what he's saying.
CSR Bill: I apologize, but I am not trained in the use of that equipment. I would be happy to transfer you to a Technical Service Agent for the phone tap company…
Jack: Nah, he’s sat back down, probably the wrong number. Say, how am I supposed to stay awake during these long stakeouts?
CSR Bill: I can recommend a selection of music and a caffeine injection from your headset pharmacy. We have other stimulants too. Would you like me to program something in for you?
Jack: Do you have anything, which does not involve needles and bad tunes?
CSR Bill: Well, I am trained to provide small talk, trivia and banter, for which we can bill your account at a rate of four ‘uni’s per minute. Strictly non-social, mind you: or I will have to release this transmission.
Jack: That sounds like what my wife said just before she left me.
CSR Bill: I beg your pardon?
Jack: A bad joke... You said you offer small talk, I’ll guess I’ll go with that then, so bill me.
CSR Bill: Nice weather we’re having isn’t it?
Jack: Nice weather? No. It’s lousy actually, but I forgot. Where are you out of anyway? Probably someplace warm and dry and sunny?
CSR Bill: Actually, I’m in orbit above the magnetic North Pole. They don’t let us out much.
Jack: You seem to know a lot for someone, who’s never been to the mean streets, kid.
CSR Bill: I was born down there, but I got picked up by a soft company and trained to help people like you live their lives better.
Jack: Oh, and believe me, our lives need living better (Sarcastically).
CSR Bill: (Missing the sarcasm), Well, we do try to get it right.
Jack: But you ain’t got no life of your own, right?
CSR Bill: I get time off. I have to spend it on the station, mostly. I get a shuttle ride to anywhere on the planet two weeks out of the year.
Jack: Got a wife, kids?
CSR Bill: No. I don’t really have time for that. I provide genetic material for the lab, but we don’t fraternize up here, bad for morale and the law says…
Jack: I’m sorry I asked. So, you got my contract, right? What is this guy doing that I’m supposed to nab him for?
CSR Bill: Hmm… one moment as my goggles refresh… Thanks for your patience. Ah yes, he is writing unauthorized manuals for electronics repair, and hangnail removal. His name is Dean Blake. He was caught and imprisoned a few years back for vandalizing a traffic control tower and for petty teaching.
Jack: A real desperado, then. (sarcastically).
CSR Bill: (does not catch the sarcasm). The manuals are serious, as is the vandalism, but teaching is only a misdemeanor. His kind we put into prison helmets, where CSRs try to guide each criminal into more productive pursuits.
Jack: Helmets? For how long?
CSR Bill: There are a number of contract options, depending on the offense. It’s better than poisoning them or having them in a cell somewhere. If they re-offend they get a contract renewal.
Jack: What’s so bad about writing manuals. Ain’t that kinda close to what you get paid to do?
CSR Bill: If everybody were allowed to teach or write manuals, my company and the whole customer service industry would fall apart. How would anyone find time to live their lives if they had to figure out how to do things, when we can just walk them through it over the air?
Jack: My ma said something about how you can give someone a fish and they would eat it right away, but if you showed ‘em where they could find a lot of fish… Well, maybe I don’t remember it right, but it doesn’t seem right to stop a guy from being helpful.
CSR Bill: It may not seem like it, but he could actually be doing more harm than good. And what if he gives out bad information? Someone could electrocute themselves, or bleed out from a bad hangnail job. Would you want to be responsible for letting someone like that remain out on the street?
Jack: Well, what if you give out bad information? You ain’t perfect either, right?
CSR Bill: Well, at least I have underwriters conferenced-in with me to make sure any mistakes I make are properly handled. What has he got? He doesn’t even have policies.
Jack: (looking back at the house). He’s got a dame, it looks like. (scribbles on notepad), Brunette, leggy, bad teeth. What do you got on her?
CSR Bill: She’s a member of a known underground cell. I can’t release her name to you, due to customer confidentiality, but I can tell you to be careful, she’s pretty violent.
Jack: They’re leaving the house, he’s got a manual with him in a briefcase. Do I follow them?
CSR Bill: If you like. I have been cross-trained in Urban Driving and Hot Pursuit. (Types; car engine starts); At what distance would you like to follow?
Jack: As close as I can without them letting on they’re being followed.
CSR Bill: Alright, just follow the instructions I am sending to your dashboard display and you may want to put on your windshield wipers at this point.
Jack: (Driving). It looks like they are pulling up at this abandoned rail yard. What now?
CSR Bill: You should probably follow them and let me record their transaction.
Jack: Are you crazy? They could be armed. He’s a criminal and this is my first night on the job. And how do I have you record their transaction?
CSR Bill: You can do this, Jack, I’ll walk you through it. Just switch to speakerphone when you get within earshot and I will read them their rights when I have recorded the crime, then you take them into custody.
Jack: I don’t want to do this.
CSR Bill: That is your choice. There is a substantial early termination penalty for your contract, however and…
Jack: Awright. I have a gun in here someplace. I don’t have an ammo accessory for it, how would I get that?
CSR Bill: I could ship it Orbital Express, 16-hour delivery, but I think you don’t have that kind of time.
Jack: So no bullets?
CSR Bill: (typing), I found a Sports-n-Guns retailer about 5 miles from your location, would you like to…
Jack: Nah, he’s just an unlicensed teacher. I guess it will be OK. Is she a good shot?
CSR Bill: I’m afraid I cannot give out another client’s information.
Jack: So you work for her too? What gives? Are you setting me up here?
CSR Bill: Of course I work for her too, like I would for you or anyone else. I am not setting you up, and your information is secure from her as well. Is there anything else I can do to assist you, Jack?
Jack: Well, I’ve just got out of the car and I am walking around a locomotive. I think I see them, I’m moving closer.
CSR Bill: you should be close enough, now go ahead and select the yellow arrow key, marked Speakerphone.
Jack: OK, like this… This is not good, I think they spotted me.
CSR Bill: I suggest you run.
(A shot is heard and Jack crumples to his knees as two figures race away in the night),
Jack: (Screams), I think I’ve been shot. What do I do now?
CSR Bill: (Typing), I’m sorry to hear that. Please hold while I connect you with a Medical Service Representative… (Typing), please have your Mobile Medical Service number ready at the prompt. Thank you for choosing Ace Detective Services, we appreciate your business.
Curtain Closes
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