Glad you appreciate greatness. My go to Halloween movie. I would compare it more to Lost Boys, though I would love a Goonies set. Alley Oop!!

VAN HELSING is one of my favorite movies, and I absolutely love it to death. It has so damn many fun, funny, cool, creepy, exciting Transylvanian horror moments that it wins me over like it’s the first time every time.

Van Helsing’s auto-crossbow vs. the Dracula’s Brides? Amazing.

The werewolf carriage attack? Incredible.

Van Helsing vs. Mr. Hyde? Perfect.

Everything in Dracula’s castle? The setpiece of my dreams.

To me, VAN HELSING is a borderline perfect movie. If I think it has any misstep, it’s in killing Anna (Kate Beckinsale). I don’t think anyone behind the movie expected UNDERWORLD to spawn a successful franchise (it rules too!), and killing off your leading lady ended the movie on a sour note. Narratively, you see why they made that call… but I think it was the wrong call.

I know that criticisms of VAN HELSING exist (hell, I spelled them out in great detail), but if I’m honest, I’ve never been able to understand them. Mostly, the criticisms feel like people being unwilling to engage with the text.

Lastly: Richard Roxburgh’s Dracula is one of my favorites, right up there with Luke Evan’s Dracula in DRACULA UNTOLD (2014)… which probably says a great deal about how off-kilter my perspective is.



#043 Dracula
Real Name: Count Vladislaus Dracula
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 0
Points: 150
Keywords: Dracula's Minions, Vampire Brood, Monster, Ruler, Past

10 12 18 4

9 12 18 4

8 12 18 4

8 11 18 4

8 11 18 4

8 10 17 3

7 10 17 3

6 10 17 3

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Lord of Darkness: Stealth & Steal Energy. When Dracula hits with an attack, deal one hit character an Action Token.
Vampiric Transformation: FREE: Dracula has +1 Attack & Damage and Battle Fury instead of his damage ability until the beginning of your next turn.
I Am At War With The World!: Sidestep & Flurry.
You Can't Kill Me. I'm Already Dead.: Super Senses & Invulnerability.

So yeah. VAN HELSING failed at the box office and with critics. Stephen Sommers would not return to direct another Universal monster movie, though he would write the script for the third Mummy movie… sort of.

Van Helsing was such a surprise for me when I first watched it. Before going in it seemed like it was going to just be a schlocky film haphazardly thrown together from different source materials.

But I'm also of the opinion that despite everything, it actually works and, in my opinion, works pretty well. There are plenty of fair criticisms to make, but, as already has been said, this movie never pretends it's something it isn't. This feels like a truly honest film that embraces what it is, and I can really appreciate that! That's something I really wish more modern films would embrace. Sometimes it feels like we're in an era of movies almost being ashamed of what they are.

All in all, it's not one I go back to over and over again, but it is one I had a surprisingly good time with!

You raise a good point about the state of sincerity in modern film— we’re in an era of peak self-awareness, self-reference, and brand management. Superhero movies can’t just be superhero movies; they have to be commentaries on the state of superhero movies. But they can’t be too superhero-y; they’ve gotta tone that stuff down. But if it’s unavoidably superhero-y; they’ve gotta hang a lampshade on it or be self-referential. It’s not enough for them to be superhero movies; they’ve also gotta support the weight of a cinematic universe. Even if they’re a good superhero movie, they’ve gotta have their edges mostly sanded off to be palatable to the masses who need to buy more tickets and tell everyone else to be the same—

And that’s just one genre.

I will say that most films are VERY honest about what they are in their first 10 minutes. Films like FROM DUSK TIL DAWN are quite uncommon. The real quirk, I think, is that question of sincerity and pride. Guillermo del Toro is famously against irony in filmmaking because it’s a mask for the passion of storytelling. He makes films that are achingly sincere and love letters to their niche audiences. I think that’s quite laudable, but almost anathema to our current pop culture moment.

In VAN HELSING’s case, I do think it’s incredibly sincere and passionate about every moment of screentime… but you’ll notice that despite my praise for its imagination and setpieces, I didn’t have much to say about the film itself. I think that’s because unless you’re digging incredibly deeply, there’s just not much buried under the surface here. No rich themes or complex characters that are worth revisiting because if you’ve seen them once, you’ve seen all they have to offer.

I don’t think that’s necessarily points against the film, but I think it explains why VAN HELSING has failed to be re-examined and reclaimed over the years unlike some of its peers. It’s a great roller coaster of a movie, but plenty would just rather seek out the next roller coaster.

Stephen Sommers’ script for the third Mummy movie was set during WWII, during which Rick and Evelyn were anti-mummy adventurers, fighting the mummies that Hitler was raising for his occult troopers. Rick and Evelyn would be sent to the Pacific to stop Japan’s superweapon: the Dragon Emperor mummy and his invincible Terracotta Army.

If that sounds awesome, I’ve got great news for you: all of that was reduced to a throwaway line.

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR (2008), sees Rick (Brendan Fraser) and Evelyn (Maria Bello, replacing Rachel Weisz) as a sad, past their prime couple who no longer have passion for each other. Alex, now an adult adventurer played by Luke Ford is basically another Rick, and he’ll spend the movie competing with Rick for Evelyn -and yes, in a wtf sexual way. The three of them will reunite with Jonathan (John Hannah) and team up with Lin (Isabella Leong) -the actual love interest- to stop The Dragon Emperor (Jet Li) from helping communist China take over Asia.

I promise you that, despite it making more sense for the Dragon Emperor to work for China, the above description oversells the movie.

It’s a flat, boring, misguided movie that doesn’t understand who its audience is, what they want, or how to best give it to them.

I can’t prove this, but it sure seems like Brendan Fraser delivered all of his lines like a s***head because he knew the movie was bad.



#044 Alex O'Connell
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 6
Points: 50
Keywords: O’Connells & Carnahans, Soldier, Past

6 11 18 2

6 11 17 2

6 11 17 2

6 11 18 2

6 11 18 2

6 11 18 2

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Always Saving My Family From Mummies: Adjacent friendly characters with the "O'Connells & Carnahans" keyword modify their Defense by +1.
Rivalry With Dad... For Mom...: If an adjacent friendly character shares a standard ability with Alex O'Connell, he has +1 Attack & Defense until the beginning of your next turn.

MUMMY 3 seems to be one of the many Chinese-actor-martial-arts-adjacent films made in the wake of CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON’s (2002) success. That MUMMY 3 spent at least five years in development hell explains it being somewhat late to the game.

Yes, it is cool that Michelle Yeong and Jet Li are in the same movie and fight each other. No, that fight is not especially well-shot on a battlefield of CGI mayhem, nor does it make sense when both have magic powers.

It’s like the film can’t decide if it would rather be a MUMMY-style archeological adventure or a martial arts film, and unfortunately, director Rob Cohen couldn’t shoot either entertainingly. Maybe it’s because the drama is lame, the cinematography is lame, the story is lame, or all the ideas in the movie are lame, but even the action just doesn’t land for some reason.



#045 Lin
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 5
Points: 50
Keywords: Mystical, Warrior, Past

6 11 18 2

6 11 18 2

6 11 18 2

6 11 18 2

6 11 17 2

6 11 17 2

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

Generations of Martial Arts Training: When Lin is missed by a Close attack, deal the attacker 1 penetrating damage. When Lin rolls doubles with a close attack, she deals penetrating damage instead of incurring knockback.
Yeti Call: POWER: Generate a Yeti on click #4 within 4 squares of Lin. That Yeti may not be healed this game.

How did we not get a movie about Rick and Evelyn fighting Hitler’s Nazi-mummies?! Why didn’t we get that?!

I tell ya, sometimes you just wanna look these film producers in the eye...

The only part of this movie I remember in between viewings is “the yeti call,” in which Lin yodels, and a bunch of Yetis show up to fight the bad guys. They’re adorable, not at all threatening, and at some point, they throw a bad guy over something, and I swear to God, they cheer like they’ve just scored a soccer goal.



#046 Yeti
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 0
Points: 50
Keywords: Mystical, Monster

7 11 18 4

7 11 18 3

6 11 18 3

6 11 18 3

6 10 17 3

6 10 17 3

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

GOOOOAAAAALLL!!!: All of Yeti's Close Combat attacks may cause Knockback. If an opposing character knocked back this way hits the edge of a map, score 1 Mission Point.
Leaping Across the Himalayas: Charge & Leap/Climb.

Michelle Yeong plays Zi Yuan -only ever referred to by the film as “the Witch”- who, in ancient China, spurned Hans’ (Jet Li) advances, and cursed him both to be a mummy and to only ever be referred to as “the Dragon Emperor.”

A smarter movie might’ve given their relationship more drama and depth, like that of Imhotep and Anck-su-namun in THE MUMMY RETURNS (2001) or Davy Jones & Tia Dalma in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END (2007). They have a prologue sequence, they have a grudge match much later in the movie, and that’s it. Barely any intrigue, discussion, or further depth.



#047 Zi Yuan
Team: Mystics
Range: 5
Points: 85
Keywords: Mystical, Warrior, Past

8 11 18 3

8 11 18 2

8 11 18 3

8 11 17 2

7 11 18 3

7 11 18 2

7 11 18 3

7 11 17 2

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

KO KO KO KO

The Secret of Immortality: When Zi Yuan would be KOed, roll 1d6. 5-6, instead heal her that amount.
Flowing Around the Battlefield: Phasing/Teleport, and when Zi Yuan uses it, if she moves half her speed or less, she may make an attack for Free.
Sorceress Master of Chi: Super Senses & Combat Reflexes. Each time Zi Yuan is missed with an attack, modify her Combat Stats by +1 until the beginning of your next turn.

This movie was so dull I had completely forgotten she was even in it. Man, how you gonna make Michelle Yeoh forgettable?!

This looks like a fun dial though. I like that she is designed to be constantly on the move, except for the moments when she’s been pinned down and forced to punch the crap out of someone.

Many thanks, friend! Haha honestly glad and surprised this one feels good. Usually I have no trouble remembering movies immediately after I watch them, but TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR all but erased itself in moments. It's telling that I could barely remember what Yeoh's tactics & powers were!

I've got some theories as to why this movie flatlines... but I'll get into them tomorrow C;

You’d think I’d have more to say about a movie where a martial artist mummy turns into a two-headed dragon and then a big lion, but here we are.

The tritest, and perhaps most obvious of notes is perhaps this script about this subject matter should not have been handled by a mostly White creative team who, according to Wikipedia, didn’t speak their Chinese actors’ language, have much understanding of martial arts cinema (until recently, most American martial arts movies have been pretty lame), or much understanding of Chinese history.

Chinese cinema has a long, storied history as much as western cinema does, and China’s communist revolution has been much explored in their films as a complex, nuanced event. Many current wuxia films explore the idea of corrupt officials and the folk heroes who fight against them. These are veiled critiques of the current Chinese government as well as historical allegories. It’s very easy to imagine a supernaturally-infused wuxia film that handles these same subjects with greater excitement, horror, and nuance. Hell, HERO (2002), starring Jet Li, came out six years prior and was an international sensation.

Tl;dr? There’s no reason why THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR had to be this lame and off-putting.

There’s also no reason why Universal had to make another lame, off-putting mummy movie nine years later, but we’ll get there.



#048 The Dragon Emperor
Real Name: Emperor Qin Shi Huang
Team: Cosmic Energy,Mystics
Range: 6
Points: 200
Keywords: Mummy, Mystical, Past, Ruler

7 12 19 4

7 11 19 4

7 11 18 4

7 11 18 3

7 11 18 3

11 12 18 4

11 11 18 3

10 11 17 3

9 12 17 4

9 11 17 3

8 10 17 3

KO KO KO KO

Damned General of an Immortal Army: Leadership, and when he rolls a 6 with it, he may generate a Terracotta Warrior for Free. // POWER: Generate a Terra Cotta Warrior.
Ice Spikes: Sidestep. Whenever The Dragon Emperor hits with a ranged attack, deal hit characters 1 Action Token and after resolutions, deal them 1 penetrating damage.
Form of Three-Headed Dragon: , , , Energy Explosion, and Penetrating/Psychic Blast.
False Eternal Life: STOP. Impervious & Regeneration.
Form of Fu-Dog: , Exploit Weakness, Close Combat Expert, and Flurry.



#048b Terracotta Warrior
Team: No Affiliation
Range: 0

6 10 17 1

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR was critically panned, but was a modest hit overseas, earning the least of any modern Mummy movie, including the execrable MUMMY (2017). Plans for a sequel were quietly abandoned, especially as Universal’s “Dark Universe” entered pre-production.

Brendan Fraser indicated he’d return to the franchise if the story was good enough, but given Universal’s recent track record with story quality, that looks unlikely.

UPDATED - 10/25/23, Thanks Comicjunkie!

what a great job you did with these.

Re: Dragon Emperor- I dig it but anyway to give the special defense to click 3 to ensure we get to see the form his name implies as opposed to multiple clicks as the fu-dog? Just a request.